"...Well, don't this beat all."
"Trapped in a mug of my own vices. Well, it USED to be filled with my own vices, but that's binge drinking for ya."
"First the pineapple, now whatever cruel hand that controls my fate dropped me into a prison I can't crawl out of. Oh, if only my fuse wasn't a snappy cosmetic choice, then I'd be able to explode my way out."
"I think this hand likes to taunt me."
"I can totally see a fortune cookie over there!"