Monday, October 29, 2012

The King of Cartoons

It's the end of October and right around this time, I usually post something related to Halloween. Sadly, I don't know whether Hurricane Sandy (right in my path) will knock out my power, so a big, sprawling post is a no-go for now. (UPDATE: Not 15 minutes before finishing up this entry, BOOM! Cable went out. The power went about an hour later. I got power back on Wednesday, but the Internet didn't return until 11pm Thursday night.)

I went to NYCC earlier in the month and I have a grand entry to write up for it...but not now. Soon. But since election time is almost upon us, I guess this is as good a time as any to announce my candidacy for my latest run for office.

That office? The King of Cartoons.

There's the previous king. Bask in his glory. Sadly, his time is coming to an end and I wish to run for his spot. It's not a difficult job. I just wear a crown and travel door to door and play cartoons to anyone who lets me inside.

For those of you who wish to call my bluff, I will now play a cartoon for you all. And keeping in the Halloween spirit, I'll show you a trailer for one of the worst movies I've seen in recent memory. No, not Birdemic, but it's up there.

It's a movie called Foodfight! Made in 2003 but unreleased until now, it has a troubled history. Created as the advertising mascot's answer to Who Framed Roger Rabbit, it turned out as a Casablanca ripoff involving a Dogtective (Charlie Sheen pre-Winning mode) and a Squirrel Pilot (Wayne Brady) fighting the evil Brand X to save their supermarket. It helps to know that Brand X is a not-too-subtle stand in for the Nazis. Yeah, black uniforms, the salute, and Jeff Bennett as Not Tim Curry helps), and that you would be shocked to see which mascots made it into the movie.

Mr. Clean? Yep. Mrs. Butterworth? She's there. Punchy, The Hawaiian Punch guy? He's there too. The Energizer Bunny, Twinkie The Kid, The Vlasic Pickle Stork and even Charlie the Starkist Tuna appear at some point or another. There's a bit where Wayne Brady's plane slams into the tree that clearly belongs to the Keebler Elfs, but thankfully it looks they actually had some dignity intact. One of the more annoying characters is a penguin voiced by Chris Kattan, which I’m pretty sure should’ve been the penguin on the Kid Cuisine box. Spoiler alert, he "dies" about halfway through the movie and nobody in the audience gave a single fuck about it.

Imagine what this movie would’ve looked like with an actual budget! Well, it still would’ve been awful, but it would’ve looked nicer. Everybody in this movie seems to walk like they’ve just had a seizure, the graphics look would feel right at home on some Windows 95 program, and the puns. Such horrible, licensed food puns! Yes, they use “Spam” as a euphemism several times.

This thing was an hour and a half long, but if I were to compare the pacing to a snail’s pace the snail would want to vomit pus in every orifice on my body for being so insulted. The one site I watched this on (because no way in hell would I pay to watch this) had looped this same horribly animated scene of Dogtective’s girlfriend at least five times, and I wanted to die to make the pain stop. I can think can truly say that I no longer fear hell, for I have watched Foodfight!

Okay, okay, okay. Here's a better cartoon. Axe Cop! Halloween Edition! It's adapted from a webcomic written by a 7 or so year old boy about a cop that wields an axe, and in a minute and a half it is 1051x better than the entirety of Foodfight! Let the cartoon begin!

If I must say, Nick Offerman (aka Ron Fucking Swanson) is THE perfect voice for Axe Cop. Happy Halloween, everyone!

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