If I Won The Lotto

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer Simpson

Well folks, the $640 million Mega Millions jackpot has came and went without me as a winner. Not even the freaking Mega Ball Thing! And it was 23, my favorite number! So I regret to inform you that there will not be a $640 million keg party thrown by yours truly. At least, not for now.

But this whole Lotto Fever had gotten my brain moving: Just what the hell would I do with $640 million? Even after taxes, it would be around $300 mil, but that's still enough money to disappear from the planet. It just so happens that I've actually put some thought into this:

1) Keg Party for all my friends. That jackpot would've given enough money for me to just buy a house to party in, trash the hell of of it, never use it again, and still be set for life. And I won't be filling those kegs with Bud Light. No, I'm springing for better stuff: Regular Bud!

2) Charity. Yeah, yeah, typical answer. But I'm serious. There'd be a few organizations I'd donate to here and there, but there is one definite. My fraternity has a scholarship fund to honor a brother that passed away back in 2003. It takes $25,000 to fund it, and I'd pony up either the full thing or how much is left to currently endow it. Whichever one comes first.

3) Go to Every Amusement Park in the Country. At first I thought "Do I wanna go to Disney World or Disneyland?" Then I realized that money, and therefore time, would be no object, so my answer would be one group of parks, then the other. I'd do Cedar Point in between, too.

4) Pay off what's left of my Student Loans. Also obvious.

5) Vegas. Again, obvious. Don't know how much of my wad I'd blow in that town, but that place is a definite. I've never been there, so I might just buy a casino or two while I'm there for the hell of it.

6) Move out of my house and get a new car. Another obvious answer. I'll move somewhere nice or five.

7) Transformers shopping spree! There's a good load of transformers that I don't have yet, and they don't come cheap. I'd fix that in an instant.

8) Buy someone. Don't know who exactly I'd buy just yet. Maybe a Simpsons writer from the current era and pay him enough money to dance for my amusement as punishment for the sub-par episodes he'd help write.

So that's my plan. What's yours?

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Four Years Old!

I couldn't let the month end without acknowledging the blog's birthday, now can I? It's hard to believe that four years ago yesterday, I claimed this tiny portion of the internet for my random, misguided ramblings. Truth be told, I don't know exactly how many people read this, but I'm grateful nonetheless.

If you DO read this, what was your favorite thing that I've written about? You least favorite? When you found this thing? I ask because I like seeing the origins of my readers. Plus, I'm incredibly lonely.

Once again, I PROMISE that new content is coming soon. But until then, have some cake!

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Fuck Valentine's Day

I'm sorry for being so vulgar, but there's just no better way to say it: I Hate Valentine's Day. This statement hasn't changed from previous years, so go about your daily business.

But until I post again, here are some fun Valentine's Day cards from me to you:

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Every Anime Opening Ever Made

My apologies for pretty much taking the month off. I kinda deserved it for working my ass off in December, but expect new stuff in the near future!

Until then, here's a video that's about pretty much what it says: Every Anime Opening Ever Made.

You never realize just how many elements are re-used in anime openings until you watch something like this. Where are all these people running to?!


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The Christmas Prophesy: Doom Will Come The Man in Red

The Story So Far... (read these first!)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10

THE BATTLE BEGINS!

ATTACK!!!

Arcee: "Damn, you're tough."

Thunderwing: "As tough as dey come, babe."

Acree: "Eww."

Thunderwing: "ow!"

Meta-Knight: "Name's Meta-Knight. It's always so fine to meet a fellow swordsman."

Arcee: "Thanks, but I didn't need your help."

Meta-Knight: "Can't help it if I try to be a hero by helping to save Christmas."

Perceptor: "Ack!"

Starscream: "Serves you right to cross the Decepticons and the almighty voluptuous Megatron!"

Kirby: "MIKE SCREAM!"

Starscream: "Ack!"

Kirby: "Oh, just come outta the closet already!"

Starscream: "What closet? You mean the one behind us?"

Santa: "Sorry if this is a bad time, but are you by any chance named Thundercracker? Because I have a subscription to GQ magazine to give him."

Starscream: "Of course not! He's dead!"

Starscream: "AAAAHHHH!!!"

Santa: "Too bad."

Laserbeak: "So Earthlings, how does it feel to have your privacy violated from your own computer?"

Dennis: "Now listen here, you. I've been through a hell of a lot these past few months. Battling crazed maniacs like you, suffering through earthquakes, Pokemon battles, lousy fortune cookies, pineapples, cubes made from sand art quizzing me, getting trapped in a giant beer mug! Now...this. On the run for the past week and our awesome computer that's been helping us out? A phony! Nothing more than a cheap, plastic PHONY! You..."

Dennis: "You...you...you...you..."

Laserbeak: "Heheh, Slow down, you're gonna blow a fuse if you keep stuttering."

Dennis: "You...you...you...you..."

Dennis: "You...you...you...you..."

Mr. Snowman: "What the hell is going on?!"

Merv: "Dennis...you're glowing! I'm scared."

Dennis: "You...YOU...YOU!...YOU!"

Laserbeak: "Uh-oh."

Dennis: ASSHOLE!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! THE PAIN!!!!

RARRR?

"Ugh..."

Meta-Knight: "Whoa..."

Merv: "Remind me never to piss Dennis off."

Soundwave: "NOOOO! LASERBEAK! SPEAK TO ME!"

Laserbeak: "Ugh...Marc Maron will never be funny..."

Soundwave: "LASERBEAK!"

Soundwave: "This cannot compute."

Soundwave: "Prepare for your imminent destruction, Earthlings!"

Dennis: "...You know, now that I'm looking at you close-up...you look familiar."

Soundwave: "..."

Dennis: "..."

Soundwave: "...I have never see you before."

Dennis: "Heh, coulda sworn you looked like something I had once."

Dennis: "Merv, doesn't he look familiar?"

Merv: "I don't pay attention to these things. I do know that this looks like the end."

Dennis: "Yeah...it's been a good blog. I'm...glad to have known you."

Merv: "Well...yeah, my sack and I were glad to have been friends, too. And that thing you just did? It was awesome."

Dennis: "Thanks."

Merv: "Think you could do that again?"

Dennis: "Heck, I didn't even know I could do it this time. But..."

Clapboard: "OH YEAH!

Dennis, Merv: Mr. Snowman: "Clapboard?!"

Clapboard: "Ha! Looks I AM good for something! Nice toss, Prowl!"

Prowl: "No problem, little buddy! We're finally turning the tides!"

Arcee: "Yeah, there's still Megatron."

Optimus: "You've ruined your last Christmas, Megatron!"

Seaspray: "Time to kick some ass!"

Megatron: AUTOBOTS, YOU...RARR...AMUSE ME. YOU KEEP THINKING YOU HAVE A CHANCE, NOT EVEN WITH...

Megatron: ...THE MAN IN RED...

Megatron: DOOM WILL COME TO YOU, MAN IN RED!!

Optimus: "Not on our watch, you bastard!"

Optimus: "Taste some JUSTICE!!"

Arcee: "Yeah, take that, ass!"

Perceptor: "This is for trying to destroy this nice holiday!"

Kirby: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Megatron: RAAAARRRR! FOOLS! THIS IS NOTHING BUT A...RARR...SCRATCH!

Clapboard: "Man, this guy's not going down!"

Prowl: "I don't know how much longer we can fight at this rate!"

Megatron: NOTHING BUT A PAINFUL SCRATCH!

AHHH!

Kirby: "This guy's too much!"

Merv: "Man, everyone's getting creamed! Save us, Mistah Snowman!

Merv: "Ahh! what the hell was that for?!"

Mr. Snowman: "Idiots, I'm not your beloved Mistah Snowman! In fact, I've never liked him NOR that insipid Advent Calendar story! Too complicated and meta for my tastes. I've been a loyal Decepticon spy all along!"

Santa: "That explains that weird tramp stamp you've got there."

Mr. Snowman: "Eat carrot, Claus!"

Santa: "Why do I have to insult tramp stamps? It's like a knee-jerk reaction with me!"

Merv: "Enough with the phonies...I wish I could explode, too..."

Dennis: "Can't...move..."

Mr. Snowman: "All hail Megatron! All hail..."

"UGH!"

Seaspray: "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that, Mister Snowman."

Snowman: "But...but..."

Seaspray: "Join the rest of your brethren in Robot Hell."

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Seaspray: "Never doubt the abilities of the water guy, folks."

Merv: "We won't! Figured that wasn't the real Mistah Snowman anyways."

Dennis: "Sure you did."

Dennis: "Santa, can you heal everyone again?"

Santa: "I wish I could, but being shocked that time took most of what was left of my energy away. I only have enough to get home, I need time to recharge my Christmas magic."

Dennis: "Dang it."

Seaspray: "We could really use some of that Christmas magic right about now. Don't know how much longer any of us will hold out."

Dennis: "Hmm...Christmas magic."

Dennis: "Merv, did you ever look to see if there was anything inside your sack?"

Merv: "Hmm, you know, I actually haven't!"

Merv: "There's nothing in here but a Pokeball, but I don't see how that'll help us..."

WIIIIISSSSSSSSHHHHHHH...

Megatron: WHAT'S THIS?

POLIWHIRL!

Optimus: "What the hell is that thing?"

Kirby: "A Pokemon!"

Meta-Knight: "But a lame one..."

Megatron: ...WHAT IN BLAZES IS THIS?

Starscream: "It's huge...but it's not Megatron huge..."

Thunderwing: "Give it a rest, will ya..."

Merv: "Holy shit."

Dennis: "That Elekid guy gave us...a giant Poliwhirl."

Merv: "Hell, that beats a sack any day! I got a Pokemon!"

Santa: "That's the magic of Christmas."

Merv: "Time to kick some ass, Poliwhirl! Use...Something!"

POLIWHIRL USED DOUBLESLAP!

IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Dennis: "Wow...that's actually working."

Meta-Knight: "All from a Poliwhirl."

Clapboard: "Megatron looks like he's gonna break."

Kirby: "Yeah, one more good attack should do it!"

Seaspray: "We got him nailed down!"

RARRRRRRR!!!

Optimus: "Don't worry about us! Finish him off!"

Merv: "Allright Poliwhirl, just...hit him with the best attack you've got!"

Poliwhirl!

NO...NO...NO...NOOOOOO!!!

POLIWHIRL USED FOCUS PUNCH!

IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

RARRR!!! MY PLANS...FOILED...POWER...DRAINING...

THIS WILL NOT BE THE LAST YOU SEE OF ME...

Megatron: "Decepticons...forever..."

K.O.!

Merv: "Oooh, money!"

Dennis: "I wouldn't pick that up, it might be cursed or something."

Starscream: "Yeah, screw this I'm outta here."

Starscream: "Decepticons, retreat!"

LEAVE!

Optimus: "We did it! We saved Christmas! And doom came to nobody!"

Optimus: "Ow...my...everything hurts again..."

"No!"

Dennis: "Are you okay, Optimus?!"

Optimus: "We beat Megatron, Hoist. That's all that matters."

Seaspray: "How are his vitals, Perceptor?"

Perceptor: "He sustained massive injuries. A crushed, well, everything. He doesn't have very long."

Dennis: "Can you do anything for him now?"

Santa: "You heard the giant microscope thing. I may be magic, but not THAT magic."

Merv: "Oh, it's cause of me that the best character here is dying."

Dennis: "Don't say things like that."

Clapboard: "Especially since I just realized that dying is awful."

Kirby: "This is just like the movie all over again. The animated one, I mean."

Meta-Knight: "Circle of life, man."

Arcee: "I just hope that he won't get replaced by a douche like what happened with Rodimus."

Prowl: "We know that won't happen."

Optimus: "Friends, don't worry about me. When one door closes...another will open...."

Dennis: "...What's happening?!"

Seaspray: "Regeneration."

Kirby: "Wait, I thought only..."

Santa: "Well, there are a few being in this universe that can regenerate. Myself, Time Lords, and certain Transformers like Optimus here."

Dennis: "That's awfully convenient."



Optimus: "Uhh..."

Optimus: "I hate it when that happens."

Arcee: "You just regenerated, sir."

Optimus: "We saved Christmas from the Decepticons, so I'd say that it was worth it this time. By the way, did you get taller?"

Dennis: "So...you're still Optimus? You just look different?"

Merv: "And sound different?"

Optimus: "It usually comes with a personality change, too. I don't notice anything different yet, but you'll get used to the new me eventually."

Optimus: "I'm awfully sorry we dragged you into this, Santa."

Santa: "I had fun. We should really do this again some time."

Santa: "It IS the 24th after all, and I must be going! Gotta give those gifts and all!"

Santa: "But first, I'll give you a gift!"

Santa: "Let's tidy up this corpse!"

CHRISTMAS MAGIC!!

Santa: "There you go, one Awesome Computer, totally guaranteed to never transform into a hideous bird thing!"

Optimus: "And there's a new Marc Maron podcast with Michael Ian Black already installed! This is the best Christmas ever!"

Santa: "It's what I do, Mr. Prime."

Arcee: "Yep, same old Optimus."

Dennis: "Awesome. But what about the rest of us?"

Santa: "You'll get them later tonight. I got rules to take care of, and I gotta get back to the North Pole if I want to get them to you guys in time."

Santa: "See you next year, everyone!"

Santa: "Away!"

Santa: "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merv: "I knew Santa rode an electric razor!"

Clapboard: "So...he had that the whole time?"

Dennis: "Sigh."

THE END!

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