A Very Dennis Christmas Special

Live, recorded several months ago in an undisclosed location in Clifton, New Jersey, it's...

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Starring:

Dennis!

And Featuring:

Everyone from the Thanksgiving Special that is still alive!





Along with Dennis's Special, Special Guest Stars (scheduled to appear):

Jeff Foxworthy!

Burl Ives!

"Weird Al" Yankovic!

Imogene Coca!

David Bowie!

Bob Barker!

The California Raisins!

Linus!

Morgan Freeman!

Bill Maher!

And a visit from the Big Man himself...


Barack Obama!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL IS SPONSORED BY:

Hess: The Lesser of Two Evils!

AND BY:

B.C. Clark Jewelers: Reminding Oklahoma It's Christmas Since 1892!

Dumdumdumdumdumdumdum, dumdumdumdum dum dum...

Dennis: Oh, Hi! Didn't see you there for a minute! I'm notable Beaming For Bunnies Character, Dennis!

(canned applause)

Dennis: If there's one thing I absolutely love, it's Christmas! The giving, the joy, the gifts. Hell, even the figgy pudding, I love it all! Everyone's probably sick of all of those OTHER Christmas specials playing non-stop on TV right now, and this year I decided to bring something new to the table with a special of my own!

But I Know what you're thinking, my endeavor with Thanksgiving last year was a total bust. And it was. But this year will be different, I assure you! For one thing, we actually got ourselves a budget!

Dennis: ...Which I blew 90% of on this tree. It's a nice tree, if I may say so, myself!

Dennis: And if you noticed, I decided to start my Very Special Christmas Special DURING my party itself, and look, I actually have guests this year!

Dennis: How's the party goin', guys?

Meta-Knight: Eh.

Dennis: And to be sure that everyone sticks to the script this year, I hired a writer!

Lakitu: Hey, thanks for inviting me to your special, Dennis!

Dennis: Okay, thanks and all, but I'll be honest with you: I don't know how to pronounce your name.

Lakitu: You could always refer to me as Judgem.

Dennis: ...I think I'm just gonna call you Phil.

Lakitu Phil: Sigh. I'll be over at the mistletoe...

Dennis: Say guys, what do you want for Christmas?

Meta-Knight: I want one of those sweet-assed race cars, just like in the Hess commercials! It blinks, bounces, and has a littler car inside the big car! I'd be so awesome in that.

Kirby: Well, I just want something a little more low-key: Just a DSi. Preferably the one that matches my skin tone. And a bottle of Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash.

Meta-Knight: ...You're kidding, right?

Kirby: Shit's good. That damn Holiday Hawk ad got to me, I'll admit it.

Dennis: Great...How 'bout you guys?

Merv: I want one of those Zhu Zhu Pets.

All: A Zhu Zhu Pet?!

Shyguy: Why would you want one of those dumb hamsters?

Dennis: Yeah, you don't seem like the type that buys fake pets.

Merv: Oh, it's not for me. I just want one so I can hock it on eBay and rake in some dough from the panicky moms who don't want to make their spoiled little snowflakes sad! I just love taking advantage of Christmas fads!

Shyguy: That so? I know where you could find one of those...

Merv: For the last time, I'm not into that.

Shyguy: My mistake. I can't afford to do another nickel, anyway...That's what I want.

Dennis: ...Um...Yeah. How 'bout you, Phil?

Phil: well, now that you mention it...

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

Dennis: Whoops, looks like it's gonna have to wait!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: What's that? Methinks I hear carolers at the door!

Carolers: Here we come a'waffling along the leaves so green! Here we come a'waffling, so fair to be seen! Love and joy come to you, and to you and, waffles, too, for a happy new year!

Dennis: Why, it's famous Transformers Starscream, Prowl and Optimus Prime!

(Canned applause)

Optimus: We heard you were having a Christmas Special over at your house tonight, Wheelie, and we just had to spread some joy!

Dennis: My name's Dennis.

Optimus: As I was saying Huffer, we come to you as The Three Wise Bots, and we all brought gifts!

Optimus: ...The gifts! The gifts!

Starscream: Oh, fine! I brought you Gold!

Prowl: I bring you Frankincense!

Optimus: And I brought fur!

Starscream: ...Fur? Really?

Prowl: I'm pretty sure the third gift is supposed to be Myrrh, Prime.

Optimus: ...What the fuck is Myrrh, anyway?!

Dennis: Sigh. We'll be right back.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: While some of the newer characters are busy sitting on the couch watching "The Year Without a Santa Claus," I've gathered my old friends for the one, special thing that's been on my mind all year!

Dennis: What the hell happened to my Jambox?!

Meta-Knight: The what?

Dennis: You know...

ONE YEAR EARLIER

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Dennis: ...Didn't I used to have a jambox here?

PRESENT

Meta-Knight: Oh, that dumb boombox you had laying around.

Dennis: It wasn't dumb! It was my Jambox!

Meta-Knight: Well, I didn't take it.

Prowl: It certainly wasn't me, a cop car being my alt-mode and all.

Optimus: I didn't do it, either, Topspin. Besides, that set was awful. If anyone took it, it was that damn Decepticon!

Starscream: Don't even bother, I didn't take that thing.

Dennis: Well, something happened to it. It's not like it got up and walked away! Sigh.

Optimus: Just don't be too hard on yourself, Beachcomber. It's Christmas, and we all gotta remember the reason for the Season!

Meta-Knight: He's got a point, Dennis.

Optimus: Yes, and it all reminds me of the story of Optimus Christ!

Dennis: ...Optimus Christ?

Optimus: Of course! He's the reason why Christmas is celebrated at all! I'm suprised that you're lacking knowledge of Christmas traditions, considering that we're currently partaking in one right now.

Dennis: Even said, I don't think we have enough time for a story like that.

Merv: Hey everyone, this guy's about to tell a story!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Optimus: Yes, my friends, this is a tale that begins THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO!

DECEMBER, 1973

"Yes, Optimus Christ was the noblest of all Autobots, preaching kindess, good will, and the swift smiting of all Decepticons!"

"This was all well and good until he was betrayed by his dearest friend, Judamus Prime. Heartbroken, Optimus Christ was sentenced to die for the sins of all Autobots who came before and will come after him!"

Dennis: Lemme guess, he died on a cross?

"HELL NO! Robots are too heavy for wooden punishments. Also, it's pretty redundant to let a robot starve, since it doesn't eat, drink, or breathe, now would it?"

Dennis: Sorry I asked.

"Instead, Optimus Christ was fed to Unicron, saving us all from the same punishment."

"I think. With all of the Autobots saddened by the lost of their metal savior, they decided to turn their sorrow into an excuse to annoy relatives and set up obnoxious light displays!"

Optimus: ...And that, my friends, is where babies come from.

Dennis: ...I thought it was supposed to be why we celebrate Christmas?

Optimus: If you want to be specific about it.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Starscream: Hey, Peter came home!

Dennis: Sigh. An unresolved theft, a missing Jambox, a mediocre story, and we're almost out of Pomegranate 7-Up. Isn't there anyone who can tell me the true meaning of Christmas?

Linus: Perhaps I can help!

Dennis: Linus van Pelt from Peanuts?!

(Canned Applause)

Linus: I've done this before, Dennis. It's no big deal.

Linus:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them,

Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Linus: ...That's what Christmas is all about, Dennis.

Optimus: ...I liked my story better.

Phil: Hey guys, we can't forget about Channukah!

Dennis: Phil, I didn't know you were Jewish.

Phil: The cloud is. He's wondering if it'll get its token remembrance this year.

Dennis: Hmm.

Dennis: All in favor of skipping the Channukah segment?

Everyone But Phil: Aye!

Dennis: Maybe next year, Phil.

Phil: Sigh.

And now, a performance by The California Raisins!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! 

Merv: I say Snow Miser was cooler.

Meta-Knight: Bah! Heat Miser is infinitely the more awesome of the Miser Bros!

Phil: You guys see that new Miser Brothers Christmas Special on ABC Family?

Merv: ...We prefer to pretend that one doesn't exist.

Meta-Knight: And especially not that live-action abomination NBC made, which also does not exist.

BANG, BANG, BANG!!!

All: What the?!

Dennis: I think it's coming from the roof!

Shyguy: Hit the deck!

Kirby: Am I gonna get another line in this special?

Prowl: I hear ya, buddy.

Optimus: It's beautiful!

Optimus: It's the wish granting machine from "A Garfield Christmas!!"

Starscream: That's Santa Claus, stupid!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: Santa!

(Canned applause)

Santa: Ho ho ho there, everyone! I was in the neighborhood and I decided that it's about time I inject some actual joy into this special!

Dennis: Does that mean...?

Santa: That's right Dennis, gifts! Gifts for everyone!

Santa: For being a nice Anti-Hero this year, Meta-Knight, you can have this!

Meta-Knight: OH, HELL YES! BITCHIN'! Thanks, Santa!!

Santa: Here's a little something for you, Merv!

Merv: You mean it?! Oh, man, thank you! It's off to eBay with me!

Santa: I've got something especially good for you, Kirby!

Kirby: The Bob Dylan Christmas album. Gee....thanks.

Santa: Don't mention it!

Santa: Stuff this one up your stocking!

Shyguy: A "Hopalong Cassidy" lunchbox. Gee, I'll just travel back to 1956 when this was still relevant...

Santa: Santa still loves you, Phil! I got you the greatest gift of all!

Phil: A bottle of AXE Body Spray. Wooooow...

Optimus: What about us, Santa?

Santa: You're robots. You're too weird. Not to mention not even from this planet!

Optimus, Prowl, Starscream: Aww...

Dennis: I don't suppose you got anything special in that big sack of yours, Santa.

Santa: You bet I do, Dennis! I've got something that'll wipe that frown off your...body.

Dennis: ...

Dennis: ...MY JAMBOX!! :)

Dennis: Where did you find it?!

Santa: Well, that's the thing...I didn't exactly find him...

Dennis: Well I'll be damned. Jambox DID just get up and walk away..

Optimus: You just have to remember, Arcee: If there are transformers roaming about, assume that all inanimate objects can transform, too! You just never know, like with Jambox, here!

Soundwave: MY NAME IS SOUNDWAVE, NOT JAMBOX.

Optimus: Ha ha. And that's what you'll be from now on: Jambox!

Soundwave Jambox: CRAP.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! 

Dennis: Well, that's it for my Very Special Christmas Special, everybody! We ate, we drank, we got gifts, and no one died! Best of all, I got my Jambox back!

Jambox: SIGH...

Dennis: I'd like to thank our special, special guest stars: Meta-Knight, Kirby, Optimus Prime, Starscream, Prowl, Phil, Shyguy, Linus, The California Raisins, and of course, Barack Obama as Santa!

Meta-Knight: So, Happy Holidays!

Kirby: Fahoo Forays!

Phil: Happy Channukah!

Merv: Deck the halls!

Shyguy: Happy Kwanzaa!

Optimus: Remember the reason for the season!

Prowl: Don't drink TOO much eggnog!

Starscream: And watch out for the icy patch!

Linus: God bless us, everyone!

Dennis: So, from all of us:

Everyone: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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Dennis: ...You guys look different.

Better Know a Christmas: Sweden

Christmas is getting closer, so let's look at how another country celebrates the Yuletide. Tonight we'll focus on a place big on Christmas: Sweden!

God Jul to you all! Much like Matt over at X-Entertainment, Sweden's Christmas season starts at the beginning of Advent, aka December 1st and doesn't end until December 26th, St. Stephen's Day (yes, the very same "Feast of Stephen" mentioned in the song "Good King Wenceslas"). Whew.

In between those two, December 13th is St. Lucia's Day, a Hijacked By Jesus pagan festival of lights that celebrated the Winter Solsitce, which became a major holiday of its own. It's more of a food-related holiday in Sweden, where the eldest daughter of the family becomes the "Lucia" and give out "Lussekatts," buns flavored with saffron and covered in raisins for breakfast for the rest of the family. Like many holidays, it's become a gift-giving holiday in ITALY of all places, where St. Lucia rides a donkey to give out presents for children.

With Sweden being in Scandanavia and all that, you'd think that they would be familiar with Santa due to being in such close proximity to the Arctic Circle. But if you've been paying attention to this entry or have ever seen an episode of Metalocalypse, Sweden is a dark, dreary, country filled with pagans and aspiring death metal musicians. It's no surprise that their Christmas celebrations would have more pagan roots. Such is the case of its equivalent of Santa: The Tomte.

Looks like a garden gnome, doesn't he? And due to Christianization of everything pagan, including this thing, the modern image resembles more like Santa, or at the very least, one of the Kringles from Rankin-Bass's "Santa Claus is Comin' To Town." Common foklore was that the Tomte was an elf-like person who looked over one's house, and he's pissed off rather easily, especially if you eat the porridge that's left out for him. The Santa-iziation of Tomte now has him delivering presents, but he still gets rather pissed off if you disrespect him. I hear he shills for Travelocity during the off-season and may sometimes be voiced by Tom Bosley.

There are Christmas trees as well, and they're guarded by goats made of straw, to remind everyone about the Birth of Jesus. I guess using their actual goats are too risky.

Due to Sweden not celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve is the big eating holiday, and boy, its it! Everyone eats a big-ass buffet famously known as the "Smorgasbord" or "Julbord."

It's commonly served in three courses: The first one is fish, like smoked salmon, smoked eel, pickled herring, and various fish served with stuff like boiled eggs and the like. The second is cold cuts, like sausages, head cheese (known more commonly as Brawn), and a liver dish called leverpastej (a name that can only be pronounced by the likes of Skwisgaar Skwigelf). The most important of these is, of course, the Christmas Ham. These are served with cheese and pickled cucumbers. The final course is the warm stuff like meatballs, sausages, short ribs, and so on. Repeat until you're too full to berate your annoying family members.

Man, Sweden's awesome. Right, Skwisgaar?

"...That's ams pretty trues."

Shut up, Skiwsgaar.

Better Know a Christmas: Japan

It's nearly a week until Santa comes to do his yearly job of defying all physics to deliver gifts to all of the good, sleeping children of the world whilst dodging winds, NORAD, and surface-to-sleigh missiles. But I'm living in America, while awesome, I can't help but think of how this holiday is celebrated elsewhere in the world. I've looked around, and several places around the world have pretty kick-ass traditions.

The first in a series of International Christmas Celebrations, tonight we start with one of my favorites, Japan.

With all of the yearly stories about how the religious nuts are exaggerating the so-called "War on Christmas" that seeks to secularize the hell out of celebrating the belated birth of Jesus Christ has apparently never been to Japan around this time of the year.

Since the main religions in Japan are Buddhism and Shintoism, Christmas is considered the quintessiential secular holiday: People realizing that stringing lights around the house and leaving the rotting corpse of a tree in your house for a month in the dead of winter seem to be the antics of a drunk man, but not caring since it gives them a reason to potentially bring shame to their families. The fact that it's the biggest money spending holiday of the year certainly doesn't hurt Japan's "OMG THAT LITTLE THING IS AWESOME" shopping mentality, either.

As for the gifts themselves, they're delivered to children, and ONLY TO CHILDREN by Santa. But don't believe everything that you hear on the Simpsons, he is NOT called "Annual Gift Man" nor does he live on the moon.

Season 8's "Homer's Phobia," in case you were wondering.

Sure, people give other people gifts, but where's the fun in that? For everyone else, the holiday is a time for romance, and it's important for women to have a date on Christmas Eve, when the Holiday is traditionally celebrated on. There used to be an old stereotype with dateless women over 25 being referred to as "Christmas Cake," after the custom of everyone buying Christmas cakes before the big day, and any cakes left over are the undesirables. Thankfully, since people are marrying later in their lives, this joke has dwindled down, and the undesirables simple choose to plummet out of windows than live through the shame of spending Christmas alone.

Then there's the traditional Christmas feast. While you might think of Turkey Ham, and dozen of cans of Who-Hash, Japan has none of those. Instead the traditional Japanese Christmas Dinner consists of a big ol' bucket of KFC Fried Chicken.

While places like Burger King and Wendy's are faltering there, the Colonel is a damn staple in the Land of The Rising Sun at this time of the year. I can imagine some Japanese equivalent of Ebeneezer Scrooge awakening after an epiphany and telling a young Japanese street urchin to buy the biggest bucket he can find to prevent his beleaguered assistant's malnourished son from dying.

To sum it up, I love Japan. Is there anything I left out? I know I have Japanese readers out there, I'd like to know.

...I'm completely serious about that KFC part, by the way.

Pics are from here, and here.

Futurama Band Names

It's 2:30 in the morning and I've been thinking about bands that have been named after Simpsons references. This lead me to to think up of good band names from references from the awesome show Futurama. Here now is a good list off the top of my head:

Brannigan's Law
Citizen Snips (There's actually a band called that)
Beige Alert
Fry's Lower Horn
Molten Boron
The Nasty in The Pasty
Less Than Hero
You All Still Have Zoidberg!
An Afghan Made From An Afghan
Windmills Do Not Work That Way
The Feast of 1,000 Hams
Beta Romeo
Ham Gum
Thundercougarfalconbird
The Space Pope
Let Me Worry About Blank
Caffeinated Bacon
Archduke Chocula
Bureaucrat Conrad
Dwight Lightning
Bubblegum Tate
Farnsworth Parabox
Robot Party Week
The Radiator Woman from The Radiator Planet
Death By Snu-Snu
Daddy's Little Grandpa
Dr. Perceptron
Robot Nixon
Donovan Parker & Posey
Craterface
Whales on The Moon
Built Like a Steakhouse, Handles Like a Bistro
Kappa Kappa Wong
Kwanzaabot
Hannukah Zombie
Quantum Leek
All My Circuits
Hot Diggity Daffodil
iZac
The Clamps
The Lost City of Atlanta
Robot House
Turanga Leela
Clown Fundamentals
Scooty Puff, Jr.
Waling Fungus
There's No Such Thing as Two

I wonder who else can identify exactly where all of the respective references come from. They are ALL real references from Futurama. And like bands named after Simpsons references, some are definitely more obscure than others.

Any good ideas I miss? Post them in the comments!

Giving Thanks

A lot's been on my mind for the last few weeks. Since tomorrow is the day of Turkey Gobbling, it looks like a good time to put my thoughts on paper, or in this case...pixels.

-For the first year I can remember, there's not much I really want for Christmas. I already got a new phone (LG Dare!) and a new pair of shoes that count as early gifts, but aside from them, my list honestly includes the following: New Super Mario Bros Wii, The Simpsons Game (Wii), the Leader-Class Jetfire figure from Revenge of The Fallen that finally came out, the 4th volume of American Dad on DVD, the 2nd volume DVD of Freakazoid, and my annual Hess Truck. That's pretty much it. But there's one other thing that I want, material-wise that would be absolutely awesome:



The audiobook of Tracy Morgan's autobiography "I Am The New Black." On print, it's a rambling sort of memoir through the unique eyes of Tracy Morgan. This version is that...but performed by Tracy himself. That alone makes it hilarious in conception, and I'd love to hear how it sounds.

-I've been in a depressive funk for the past year or so that I'm just now starting to get out of. I can blame my crippling social anxiety for that, but I'll admit, it's starting to improve. I hate people...yet I also hate being alone and doing nothing. A small portion of that improvement comes from daily readings of "My Life is G," the positive version of "F My Life."

-I've also come to realize that I don't need a relationship to make me happy...yet I would absolutely love to be able to share the holidays and my geekiness with somebody else.

-I got obsessed with The Big Bang Theory. Once you get past the annoying laugh track (filmed before a live studio audience, no less!), it's a very brilliant show. Hilarious, Geeky, and it gets more ratings than its lead in, Two and a Half Men. By the way, it's a hilarious geeky scripted show...on a network and not cable!

-Video game-wise, I got addicted to Pokemon Rumble, which was released on WiiWare last monday. A full week later, I'm one Battle Royale away from beating the entire game.

-Some things that I'm truly thankful for: My Friends, brothers, family, MLIG, and that I possess that talent of going up on a stage to a quiet crowd and through my stand-up comedy, turn them into an unruly mob.

-Since it's probably Thanksgiving or afterwards when you actually read this, here's a link for A Very Dennis Thanksgiving Special, which I produced last year. I'll make the following announcement: A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL IS A GO, AND ESTIMATED ETA IS MID-DECEMBER!

-I always wanted to try Turducken. And actually start a Twitter feed.

-Also, this video is awesome:



Don't care if the wide-screen goes off the margins, it's just that amazing. Every major Muppet Show Muppet as well as several modern ones perform Bohemian Rhapsody. As my (nick)name is Galileo, which just so happens to originate from this very song, that part of the song just happens to be the best part of the whole damn video. Also a plus: They've now cast a VERY good sound-alike for Scooter.

Sesame Street Turns 40!

I can't believe that it's been 40 years since Sesame Street first appeared on the airwaves. Elmo's been 3 1/2 for 25 of them, it's probably time for him to learn to not be so damn annoying.

Seriously, in forty year's time, Big Bird's head grew in size, Oscar The Grouch dyed his fur from Orange to Green, Grover went from Green to Blue, Cookie Monster improved his diet, and Snuffy was proven to exist. But then again, these all occurred when Jim Henson was still with us. The people that wrangle the show now seem to just keep around the young, energetic, annoying characters. And Telly.

I figured you all noticed Cookie Monster up on that list. His eating habits are nothing new. The song I linked to, "Healthy Food"



Is an old-school rap about...healthy food. Which was made in 1987. It sure explains why he looks like a member of Run DMC. Which is, of course, awesome. Also, did you know that most of the cookies we've seen him eat are actually rice cakes decorated to look like cookies? He's been deceiving us since the start! But I forgive him, I can't stay mad at that face.



Forty years is a long time, and the standards of education and the irrational fears of crazy soccer moms change over time, so Sesame Street changed with it. But with most members of the Old Guard either retired and/or dead, there doesn't seem to be much true wit anymore. Sure, it's still got some great punch and wit (Their parody of Mad Men is about Don Draper finding an ad agency that won't make him Mad. I find that brilliant.), but seriously, compare how Big Bird learns the alphabet:



With Elmo's method:



I pity children today. Elmo's video had ADD written all over it.

And now, because it's late and I'm tired, here's a smathering of videos of my (and most likely, your) favorite songs from Sesame Street:

C is for Cookie


I Love Trash


Honk Around The Clock


Monster in The Mirror (featuring loads of celebs, including an early appearance of the Simpsons!)


"O"klahoma


A New Way to Walk (Definitely a case of The Weird Al Effect™ in effect. The singers are The Oinker Sisters, a play on "The Pointer Sisters")


Put Down The Duckie


The Pinball Count


Ladybug's Picnic


Alligator King


Yip Yip...Phone


And, of course, The Song of The Count



I'd like to thank Muppet Wiki for, well, just being there! A big help for Muppaphiles such as myself. Here's an In 10 Words entry for Sesame Street, and one for The Count.

TV Confession

Okay, people, I have one hell of a confession to make with you all.

I like Glee. There, I said it.



And the thing is...I have no idea why. Seriously, I don't know any of the characters' names, nor why I should care about their Glee Club and their obnoxious rival Grown-Up-Cheerleader-Bitch-Who-Grew Up-Into-A Bitch who-now Coaches Cheerleaders.

But I think I do know why: It seems to be a Stealth Parody of other dumb dramas that have come by Fox and other networks. Everything about that show seems to intentionally BEG for Fox to cancel it, yet it's not going anywhere anytime soon. It's, well, a drama, but a comedy. The songs are current, so are probably notoriously expensive to license...and then horribly auto-tune the hell out of them. But perhaps the over-usage of the auto-tune is also intentional, as a parody of stuff like "High School Musical" and the like to have crappy singer massacre crappy songs and have the T-Pain Machine™ "fix" the problems away.

Then there's the characters themselves. Like I mentioned up there, I honestly have no idea what any of those characters in that picture are named. All I see are Old Bitchy Cheerleader, Young Bitchy Cheerleader, Sassy Black Chick, Guy Who's in Charge of Glee Club (who definitely reminds me of Michael Bluth), Asian Girl, Preppy Girl, Protagonist Girl, the Big Eyed Girl From Heroes, the Guy Jock who got Preppy Girl Pregnant, The Gay Kid, The Gay Kid That Came Out in Episode 2, and a Nerd in a Wheelchair. This is all some sort of parody on the quote/unquote "diversity" that shows up in these kind of shows. They are only defined by their archetypes and that's all they got going for them, and rarely do they have names worth remembering other than by the stereotypical roles I just mentioned. TV Tropes defines this as a "Five Token Band."

THERE'S A NERD. IN. A WHEELCHAIR. A character detail ignored by everyone except "Old Bitchy Cheerleader." That has to be some sort of satire.

Also, the show is shown in letterbox form, and is scripted. What does this all mean?

I really miss Pushing Daises.

More Haunts For Halloween

I couldn't let the big spooky day go by without a post, now could I? Sure, I'm making it with the skin of my teeth, but seeing how Daylight Savings Time is at 2am, I'm taking full advantage of that extra hour.

Last year I posted a list of Songs that defined Halloween. After much thinking, I decided thatt I should show off some more spooky tunes!

Feed My Frankenstein - Alice Cooper



Alice Cooper rocks the socks off the ghouls and goblins of the night with kickass tune about Frankenstein, and how it's the greatest Universal Monster in the land. Also, Frankenstein is his penis.


Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show



You can't define "Halloween" without good ol' "Rocky Horror." And nothing gets the hips going at any Halloween party or Rocky Horror bash quite like the eponymous "Time Warp." It's just a jump to the left. And step to the right. We all know how it goes. Also of note is how "Sweet Transvestite," belted out by the great Tim Curry, immediately follows it.


Anything Can Happen on Halloween - The Worst Witch



Speaking of Tim Curry, there's also this now-legendary song he sang in the forgettable halloween special "The Worst Witch." It's pretty much the dumbest, campiest Halloween song I've ever heard, but Curry makes it awesome. You can find a hilarious review of entire special here at X-Entertainment.


Tubular Bells



Ah, "Tubular Bells," or how others know it: the theme from "The Exorcist." It's music like this that defined modern horror. Something's just not right when you hear this playing, and I usually whip out the plastic I take to Gallagher concerts to shield myself from any projectile pea soup.


Smithy's Theme - Super Mario RPG



Here's a video game theme that oozes "creepy" and "end of the game" music. Which was then followed by the less creepy but more definite end-of-game-boss sounding True Smithy Theme (8000 hp! Damn). Either way, if felt that you were in for one hell of a battle. Very awesome of the composers of Super Mario RPG to compose unique leitmotifs to every major event in the game (Bowser's Keep, Booster's Tower, Smithy's Factory, Mid Boss, Definite Boss, Sunken Ship, etc) while keeping most of them as remixes of the main 4 levels of Super Mario Bros.


Silent Hill



While we're on the subject of video game music, here's the theme to Silent Hill. I shudder just hearing it, even though I've yet to play any of the games. Pyramid Head, stop humping Nemesis!


When You're Evil - Voltaire



Don't know who Voltaire is? If you've ever watched "The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy," you may have seen the episode where giant meteor crashes to Earth and makes Billy seeks out brains for it to eat in a dual parody of "Little Shop of Horrors" and "Thriller," or even the TV movie "Big Boogey Adventure," where he performs the awesome theme song. That's him. Most of his songs deal with the strange and the macabre, with some tongue firmly planted in cheek. This song exemplfies the Black/White that is stereotypical "Evil."


And, to cap everything off, here is the scariest song I can find:



AAAHHHHHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! IT BURNS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Happy Halloween, everybody!

Creepy & Kooky, Altogether Ooky

Halloween is at the end of the week, and I'll admit that I haven't been feeling too spooky this year. Perhaps it's that I'm out of college and thus, no annual Fall Fest to wear a costume to. All I have is my job, and even then I have no ideas. I've been considering to finally buy one of those over the top pimp hats and just wear it on my shift on Saturday and simply pretend it's not there.

Then there's the spooky movies & shows. The only thing I have under my belt this year? Zombieland.



...and that's it. Granted, the movie was awesome, but that's all I've seen this year. Hell, I'm pretty sure I missed this year's airing of The Great Pumpkin. Sure, I've seen Charlie Brown get a rock dozens of times already, but it just doesn't feel like Halloween without it. (EDIT: It turns out I didn't miss it! The spirits did it all in one night! I mean, it aired the day after I wrote this!)

So, I decided to get my spook on by going to Great Adventure via my college's annual Fright Fest Trip. A place where the scariest things...are the prices! Hahahahaha!

As it turns out, a forecast of rain drove away any potential crowds, meaning no lines for anything! Except Superman: Ultimate Flight, but even THAT had a 15-20 minute wait. The newly rechristened Bizarro was a main highlight of the trip. Medusa, the first floorless species of roller coaster, had been aging in its ten year history, but a blue paint job, retheming the ride to classic Superman villain Bizarro, and the installation of speakers, mist cannons, and fireballs did that ride good. What was once a "meh" inducing ride that had seen better days has now taken a level in badass and is completely awesome once again! I managed to ride the back row, and then immediately into the front row, and then once again at night. Awesome, especially with no waiting.

Of course, there were the other rides: Nitro (again, was able to get successive rides in front AND back rows with no wait), both sides of Rolling Thunder, Dark Knight (whose only wait was via standing through the 5 minute preshow!), Batman, and El Toro three times, once accomplishing that holy trinity of "Awesome Wooden Coaster, At Night, with a rained-on track, providing more speed). Did I mention no waits whatsoever, save for Superman? I almost rode Scream Machine, but seeing a train get stuck on its mid-point brake run...twice put the kibosh on that. Kingda Ka was up, too, but the rain and wind forced it to act like the tempermental bitch that it was.

I also got on Skull Mountain, accomplishing my goal of riding every coaster in the park. It only took me 4 years to do so.

But when the sun went down and the ghouls attempted to come out, but alas, even zombies hate the rain. And I'm not talking about the light sprinkles that showed up throughout the day. I'm talking about downpours that disintegrated even the cheapest of plastic ponchos. It made it quite difficult to re-enact Zombieland's climax, especially since I got my gun confiscated at the front gate. But I managed to do it anyway, even as Harley Quinn's dysfunctional family reunion tried to pie drenched parkgoers in the face. As the rain haad the absolute gall to cancel the Dead Man's Party twice, the trip made a unanimous decision to get the hell outta there. The topper came when, around 9 and everyone was in the parking lot, a flash of lightning appeared not 100 feet away from us and caused a blackout.

Sucked to be the people who were actually on some of those rides, but if there was an omen to tell us to leave, that was a damn good one. I was rightfully spooked, and I'm happy to announce that my spookiness is back! On to watch Homestar Halloween toons for the rest of the week!

Trailer Trash

You know, watching the trailer for "Paranormal Activity" reminded me of something that seriously grinds my gears:



I fucking hate commercials that show the audience outside the theater and saying how good the movie was. The people, usually girls in large groups, say stuff it was "AWESOME!" or "BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!" or even "MADE ME DANCE IN THE STREETS, SAID DICK PATRICK OF THE LA TIMES!"

This isn't limited to movies, either. I live on Long Island, so I see ads for Broadway musicals all the time.



At least Spamalot made fun of this when they did it.

It's giving unnecessary hype to a movie that CLEARLY needs it. Notice how they never do those type of commercials for movies that are actually GOOD. And they're usually kid's movies, too. You'll never see Pixar or GOOD Disney movies use this, it's usually the Country Bears, or some other non-Disney flick like Hoodwinked or the live-action Alvin & The Chipmunks movie. And they'll always, ALWAYS show these ads at least the 2nd or third weekend after their release.

"They're not seeing the movie!"
"Let's pay actors to gush on how they don't mind giving generic compliments to the movie! That'll drive attendance!"
"Brilliant!"

...The reason why you don't see more videos that describe this phenomenon is that...there aren't really any on Youtube. That, and it's a pretty hard to describe term to search for.

For a movie I DID recently see, Zombieland was pretty awesome. I'm not a fan of zombie/horror movies, so the first five minutes was a little...nausea-inducing and full of nightmare fuel, but I got through it and I'm glad I did. If you're a horror junkie, or just think that The Tar Monster is your favorite movie character ever, this should be no problem for you.

It was pretty much an American version of Shaun of The Dead: Woody Harrellson in place of Simon Pegg, a variation of "the infected" in place of traditional zombies, a "will they/won't they" romance bet, usage of a Hummer, and scenes taking place in Texas and an amusement park in California. There was even a cameo by Bill Murray! (Btw, I apologize, because that's the only thing that amounts to a spoiler to the movie). By the way, I am in no way using that as an insult. It pretty much IS what the US equivalent of "Shaun" would be like.

If I had any negatives about this flick, it would be that they used "the infected" as zombies, and that there was no shout out to SotD with the usage of a cricket bat. The scene in the grocery store has him whack a fat zombie with an aluminum bat was awesome, but it just wasn't the same. An In 10 Words entry can be found here.

Summer's Over!

Okay, I froze my ass off today, time to officially call an end to Summer.

Let's check my To-Do List to see if I did everything:

-Graduate College. I'm still a graduate, and my parents are still on my ass to get a real job. I'm just waiting for In 10 Words to get my foot in the door with a book deal.

-Go to an Amusement Park. If you remember correctly:

A few weeks ago, I went to Six Flags: Great Adventure in NJ once again, and I had good times. It was the Friday before Memorial Day, a sure bet for an easy day at the park, as I had done a similar trip on that day two years back. That trip might've benefited from the rainstorm earlier in the morning, as the sun was out in full force this time, which had everyone in the whole damn state say "Hey, it's sunny, let's all go to Six Flags at the same time!" Jeesh, you'd think it was June with that crowd.

-Go to a Yankees game. As I wrote in that original entry:

Did that on May 20th with about 9 other people from my CVS job, their home game facing the Baltimore Orioles. It was one hell of a game to go to, as my beloved Yanks shut the birds out 11-4. I sat in the left-center bleachers and I have to tell you, the cheap seats give you a pretty good view. It was sort of a shame that we weren't sitting in the right-center bleachers or center field since that's where EVERY BALL EVER HIT went to. I later found out that the new Yankee Stadium was built to do this. Sneaky, Yanks, and the whole architecture seemed to scream "Looks swanky enough to justify the price gouging." Mmm...$9 Bud Lights.

-See the following movies: Up and Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. Yep and Yep. Saw both movies on their respective opening days. Up's reviews can be found here and here.

As for Revenge of the Fallen, it had everything I expected in a Transformers movie: Giant robots, coming from space, transform into cars and blow shit up. With some humans getting caught in the crossfire. Plus, it had Soundwave, Devastator and Jetfire, not to mention a Wheelie that wasn't as annoying as the G1 version! A 10 Word review of it can be found here.

-Watch all the DVDs I haven't gotten around to watching yet. Sadly...nope. Despite having all the time in the world, those DVDs continue to gather dust. I did pick up Simpsons Season 12 and watched the hell out of that, though.

-Go to American Roadside Burger and get my name on the wall. I did get my picture on the wall...At Cheeburger Cheeburger. I have yet to get to American Roadside, but I'll fill you all in when I do!

-Blog some more. I obviously did that.

...It kind of says something about my summer if I accomplished more than half of my list before even writing said list. I mostly wallowed in self depression, which was mostly cured by Simpsons DVDs and picking up Pokemon Platinum. I'm currently rectifying all problems in my life right now, such as finding a REAL job, and writing more kickass entries (one is DEFINITELY coming soon!). There's also my updated-more-frequently blog In 10 Words, which recently celebrated its 1 year anniversary!

BTW, you can become a fan of this very blog on Facebook! Click here or click on that Facebook Badge thing at the top of the page! Don't forget to suggest this blog to your friends!

WTF Video Time!

As much as I hate filler entries, I have to let you, my readers, know that a really long and awesome entry is currently in the works. It'll be done...soon, I promise.

Until then, here's a video that I've always wanted to show you: Ice Cream for Dinner.



Don't forget to follow the blog on Facebook! And visit my Spin-off Blog In 10 Words!

In 10 Words Turns 1!

Hey, my spin-off blog, "In 10 Words," celebrated its first birthday today! Read: http://in10words.wordpress.com/

Labor Dayborin'

Yes, it's Labor Day once again, the unofficial end of Summer. You can always tell it is because the temperature begins to cool, pools start to close up, the tourists finally leave, the thought of school looms just a day or two away, and Jerry Lewis makes his annual TV appearance. Since I missed Jerry this year, I won't post up my "Summer Wrap-Up" post until I see some leaves changing brown. Since I live on Long Island, this is a definite promise. Also, my summer has been sadly eventful, aside of Graduating from college and getting half of my Summer To-Do List completed before June even hit.

What I will comment on, however, is that I recently started playing Pokemon Platinum on Thursday.



I beat the Pearl version some 2 years ago, so after I heard that there were plenty of changes to justify a purchase, I thought I'd give it a go once again. If only I did actually purchase it. You see, I hit a great opportunity at a Dave & Busters back in late July/Early August that just so happened to offer the game at the price of 6,000 tickets. Since I got lucky on those "drop the token into the bed of other tokens and hope they get pushed into the hole" game, I decided to get it for myself. And then it just sat on my table collecting dust until I heard about the "Member Card" promotion.

This is an event that's only available over the Nintendo Wi-Fi connection that gave you the card that opened the locked door in Canalave City that lets you encounter Darkrai (until Sept. 13th). We in the USA had a Darkrai promotion a year or so ago, but it just gave you a Darkrai, but with the incredible moveset that was given away in Japan for the opening of the Darkrai movie. Also, this promotion in general was given in Japan well over 2 years ago, and we're finally getting it, and hopefully we'll get the events to catch Shaymin & Arceus as well.

The point of that ramble? I've decided to give everyone updates of my progress via the blog's Facebook Page. Become a fan of it if you're not already! My current status: Made it to Solaceon Town, and I'm about to venture into the Solaceon Tower to get the HM for De-Fog.

My Current Team as of this writing:

-Grotle lv 29
-Staravia lv 29
-Kirlia lv 21
-Stunky lv 24
-Geodude lv 23
-Marshtomp lv 30

Now Marshtomp is an interesting choice. One might wonder how I managed to get my hands on THAT one, but I'll spill. I started an Emerald game with Mudkip, raised it until it evolved into a Swampert, bred it, then Pal Park'd it to Pearl. I rasied THAT new Mudkip into another Swampert, bred THAT one, and then sent over to Platinum. Same went for Stunky, as they're not f'ing obtainable in neither Platinum nor Pearl. Sure, they stopped listening to me for a while, but three badges changed all of that.

So stop by the FB page for my progress! Also, I promise one more Soundtracks For Summer entry before the season's done.