A Very Dennis Thanksgiving Special

Live! Recorded many months ago from an undisclosed location in Modesto, California, it’s:

A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL!

Starring:

Dennis!



And His special, Special Guest Stars (scheduled to appear):

Meta-Knight!


Optimus Prime!


Axl Rose!


El Ricardi!


Jambi!


Dennis Hopper!


Alton Brown!


And the Food in The Refrigerator!™



And Also Starring:

ALF!


John Madden!


Some Cylons from Battlestar Galactica!


Brian Williams!


Mr. Bill!


Mr. Bean!


Seth Green!


Paula Deen!


“Weird Al” Yankovic!



C-3PO!


Burl Ives!



And President-Elect Barack Obama!


As well as a special musical performance!



A Very Dennis Thanksgiving Special is Sponsored by:

Jones Soda!

And by:

Hardees: “Heart Attack on a Bun” Never Tasted So Awesome!

Dum, dum, dum...

Oh, hi! Didn’t see you there! I’m legendary “Beaming For Bunnies” character Dennis!

(Canned Applause)

You know, every year around this time of Thanksgiving, there’s nothing I love to do more than watch all of the great Holiday Specials on TV! But I’ve noticed something: There are hardly any good Thanksgiving specials! Sure, there’s that fantastic episode of “WKRP in Cincinnati,” where that guy thought that the turkeys could fly, and let’s not forget the Garfield & Peanuts Thanksgiving specials!

But the problem with them is, honestly: They all stink compared to their superior Christmas and Halloween outings! This year I want to break up the monotony and give the Beaming For Bunnies readers the ultimate Thanksgiving Spectacle: Dinner! Turkey! Dancing! Music! Parades! Some Football, perhaps! And my special, special Celebrity friends! They should be arriving any second.

I. said.: THEY SHOULD BE ARRIVING ANY SECOND!!!

???: …Oh!

(Ding dong!)

Hmmm…Now WHO could that be?!

Dennis: Hey, it’s Smash Bros. Brawl’s Meta-Knight!

(canned applause)

Meta-Knight: Oh. Hello. Dennis! It’s Great to. Be here! I sure love thre Thranksgivins amd…Dennis, I can’t read your freakin’ Cue Cards!

Dennis: What do you want from me? I have no arms.

Meta-Knight: Fair enough. As I was trying to say, thanks for inviting me over for Thranksgivins. It’s a nice change of place from probably trying to save Dreamland from and with Kirby, and kicking Pikachu’s ass in Brawl. I can’t wait to eat that deeeeeeeee-licious turkey!

Dennis: And?

Meta-Knight: And…what?

Meta-Knight: …Oh, right. That. I am NOT singing that song!

Dennis: But it’s my Very Special Thanksgiving Special! It just wouldn’t be complete without at least ONE song! It’s for the children possibly watching out there on some pirated DVD!

Meta-Knight: *sigh* Fine. For the god-awful children.

I kissed a girl and I liked it.
The taste of her scrumptious turkey.
I was so good, it was so wrong,
It doesn’t mean I’m full tonight.

Meta-Knight: Ok, I sang the damn song, now let me eat some Turkey in peace! Sometimes I wish I wasn’t an awesome celebrity…

Dennis: All right, then. You’ve earned it.

Now, no Thanksgiving Feast is complete without the Turkey, let me see how that’s coming out in ye olde kitchen room!

(Ding Dong!)

Ooh, that’ll have to wait, I’ve got company! Now who else is at my door? Meta-Knight is already here…

A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL WILL RETURN IN JUST A MOMENT!




WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL!

As I was saying before the commercial break, I wonder who’s knocking on the door?

Dennis: Wow, Autobot Leader Optimus Prime?!

(Canned Applause)

Optimus: That’s right Autobots! As soon as I heard that you were cooking a Turkey for your Earth Holiday, I had to come as quick as I could!

Dennis: Awesome. But wait, are you trying to scam me outta free food again?

Optimus: Not this time. That’s Ironhide’s problem. Damn economic slowdown caused him to stand out like a sore thumb among the hybrids, completely compromising his mission! He will be missed.

I’m here to inform the blog-reading public about the dangers of flash-frying turkeys! For too long, these dumb humans simply do NOT how to do it right, and set their damn fucking houses on fire to burn to the ground! And they expect ME to help them out!

WE’RE NOT GOING TO BAIL YOU FUCKERS OUT ANYMORE! GOT THAT?!

Optimus, please, the language! This is a family blog! I think. But how DO you correctly flash-fry a turkey?

Optimus: It’s quite easy, my tiny non-robot friends! You see, here we have our little turkey substitute.

Meta-Knight: That’s just a single Chicken Nugget! A frozen one, at that!

WHO HAS THE FUCKING AUTOBOT MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP HERE?!

*sighs* …You.

Optimus: Damn right I do! So when I say “Turkey Substitute,” I fucking mean “Turkey Substitute!”

Optimus: So, the first thing you MUST do is whip out your standard issue Cybertronian Defense Weapon, each sold separately!

Meta-Knight: Over compensating a bit?

Dennis: Shush! Go on.

Optimus: Thank you for shutting him up, Goldbug.

Dennis: I’m Dennis.

Optimus: That’s exactly what I said, Cliffjumper. Now, in order to deep-fry your turkey correctly, you must

BLAM!!!

Dennis: Optimus, what the hell?! You burned a hole in my floor!

Optimus: You’re very welcome. That’s why I used a Turkey Substitute: They take out Decepticons easier than the average Earth Poultry Variety!

Both: Decepticons?!

Dennis: There aren’t any of those here!!

Oh, really?

Curse you, Prime!

(Canned Applause)

Dennis: Sigh. We’ll be right back.

A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL WILL RETURN IN JUST A MOMENT!



WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL!

Decepticon Assassin Legend Starscream?!

(canned applause)

What the hell are you doing here on my Very Special Thanksgiving Special?!

Well, I was doing what I always do, searching for an Earth Thanksgiving Turkey strong enough to take down Megatron and allow myself to usurp his position as LORD OF ALL DECEPTICONS once again. Once again, I was foiled by Prime’s exploding Turkey Substitute! Every. Freaking. Time, I fall for that!

And that’s why you’ll forever be a loser, Starscream. Honestly, why must you ruin little Perceptor’s dumb party?

It’s Dennis, and it’s NOT a dumb party!

Well, as long as I’m here, I might as well get a drink.

Optimus: Oh, Starcream. You’re such a lush.

Starscream: I’M NOT A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC!! I just want to drink some Jones Soda.

Did you just say Jones Soda?

You bet I did. It’s only about the greatest brand of soda this side of Planet Quintesson!

And it comes in so many great flavors!

I just LOVE Blue Bubblegum.

And just in time for the Holiday season! We got some Spooookiwi left over from Halloween, not to mention the new Christmas flavors like “Mele Kelekemaka” and “Sugar Plum.”

Meta-Knight: Did you tell them that they’re all available at your local Target?

Dennis: Why, no I didn’t!

Target? Of course! I’ve been looking for them in Circuit City! Ha.

Starscream: NOW who’s the fucking lush?

Meta-Knight: Ooh, a commercial’s coming on! Maybe it’ll be for Jones Soda™!

Optimus: We can only pray.

A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL WILL RETURN IN JUST A MOMENT!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL!

Dennis: …What the hell? What is a Christmas ad doing on TV at this time of the year?! Thanksgiving isn’t even over yet!

Meta-Knight: Honestly, they’re showing up earlier every year.

Optimus: At least I like that ad. Jim Gaffigan is fucking hilarious for a Non-Transformer.

Starscream: You know, I wonder: When was the last time we saw Peter coming home?

Sigh. Anyway, I believe that my special guest star John Madden is at the Macy’s Parade right now! Let’s see what kind of fun is going on there!

Thanks, Dennis. Now, now, now, you see here: We got a great day for a Thanksgiving Parade out here on Thanksgiving Day for a great parade. We got the floats coming down here, and the Snoopy balloon over there, and BOOM! The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stomping down the streets after Santa Claus. Hey, (laughs) Ghostbusters, who ya gonna call?! With the Slimer, and the Ecto Cooler over here, and (hubbulah) hey, don’t cross the streams!

And you know what this parade is gonna, gonna, gonna need? Football. Great football being played by great football players on Thanksgiving. You got your Rothelsburger over here, and the Brett Farb punching the whole parade down with his jaw while BOOM munchin on his turkey, cause Brett Farb is just that great of a great football player.

And that’s what it’s all about. Back to you, Dennis!

Dennis: Oh, come on! That wasn’t John Madden at all! It was just Kirby doing a lame impression of Frank Caliendo’s impression of John Madden!

Meta-Knight: Just be thankful that someone was willing to do a John Madden impression at what seemed to be Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade in the first place.

Starscream: Do you even have any idea how much money Galileo had to pay to put all of those Celebrity Headshots at the beginning?!

Optimus: Who?

Starscream: Nevermind I said anything. I’ll go have some Hardees that I’ll wash down with some Jones Soda.

Thankful? You want me to be THANKFUL?!

???: It seems that you’ve missed the true meaning of Thanksgiving, Dennis!

Dennis: Semi-Professional Wrestling Icon El Ricardi?!

(canned applause)

El Ricardi: Yes, Dennis. I’m here to pile drive some actual morality in this Thanksgiving Special!

Dennis: Well, how? My Very Special Thanksgiving Special doesn’t seem to be really quite special. I’m not so sure that this is even “very” at all.

Meta-Knight: And I don’t even think we have the “Thanksgiving” part down.

Dennis: Shut it.

El Ricardi: It all goes back to the very FIRST Thanksgiving, where

BLAM!!

Starscream: Well, that's a mood killer.

Optimus: My bad. I thought he was another turkey.

Dennis: Oh, God, NOT AGAIN!! OPTIMUS, WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THAT BLASTER AROUND ANYWAY?!

Optimus: …Would you like me to flash-fry this one, too?

Dennis: Sigh. No thanks. I think one burnt hole in my carpet is enough.

Dennis: If you say “that’s what she said,” I’m editing you out of this Special.

Meta-Knight: Nevermind, then.

Dennis: I think we need a commercial break to clean this up.

A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!



WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL!

Dennis: Sigh, my Thanksgiving Special is turning out to be a total bust.

Don’t feel so hard on yourself, Tintwist. Isn’t there a special guest star that can cheer us up?

Hey, yeah, there is!

And now for a special musical performance, here is that great soon-to-be-legendary upcoming band: Biscuit Invasion!

Starscream: I didn’t know Biscuit Invasion was a Ween cover band.

Meta-Knight: And since when were they Muppet Vikings?

Dennis: THEY’RE NOT! THAT WAS THE WRONG VIDEO!! Oh man, nothing is going right on my Very Special Thanksgiving Special! What else can happen…

(POUND, POUND, POUND)

Oh, what now?

Dennis: Oh great, the Fuzz.

Optimus: Awwwwwww shit! Prowl! You old Fucker! How’s it goin’ my main man?

(canned applause)

Prowl: Prime? You’re here? Have you been flash-frying turkeys AGAIN?

Optimus: Turkey substitutes, Prowl. All to keep little Seaspray’s Thanksgiving party free of Decepticons!

Starscream: Yeah, and how’s that working out for you?

Optimus: Shut it.

Prowl: Well, I DID come here on account of hearing reports of noise violations and fat wrestlers getting killed, but if it was Prime’s doing, I guess I’ll let it slide. It IS the holidays after all!

Dennis: Wow, that’s actually…great.

Prowl: Now how bout some food?

Yeah, a celebrity can’t sustain himself on Hardees and Jones Soda alone!

Well, everyone, it just so happens that the food is done and ready to eat.

Lemme just put on some tunes on my Jambox while we eat.

A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL WILL RETURN IN JUST A MOMENT!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL!

Dennis: Well, folks, that’s it for my Very Special Thanksgiving Special. I’d love to thank all of my special Celebrity Guests for coming: Meta-Knight, Optimus Prime, Starscream, Kirby, El Ricardi, Prowl, and of course, Biscuit Invasion. I had a wonderful time, we ate good food, we danced, we sung, we got crap blown up. And most of all, we got the cops called on us.

Starscream: Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about?

Optimus: Is it?

Starscream: I dunno, I have no idea. I stopped paying attention during “Surfing Bird.”

All I know is: This offscreen pudding tells me that this was the best Thanksgiving ever!

All: Happy Thanksgiving!

Now go pass out on the couch!

Goodnight, everyone!

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…Didn’t I used to have a Jambox here?