12/12/12!: Dennis & The T-Shirt of Doom

Merv: "...What do ya think it is?"

Dennis: "Well, it's a bag. From some kinda website."

Perceptor: "Well, according to the label, it's a from some place called Teefury."

Dennis: "Clapboard, you came in a mysterious box, you know what this is all about?"

Merv: "Yeah, isn't this thing, like, your cousin or something?"

Clapboard: "Oh, I've definitely seen these things before. It's a random cool shirt that comes in the mail. But which shirt would it be, and why is it here?"

???: "And that's what I'm here to find out!"

Dennis: "Oh, crap."

Perceptor: "Decepticon."

???: "With a face this gorgeous and blurry, how could I NOT be a Decepticon? The name is Straxus."

Straxus: "So you're a member of Optimus Prime's team, yes? The very same group that took out Megatron a year ago."

Perceptor: "Indeed we did! We haven't seen any trouble since then, either. Why start with us?"

Straxus: "I came here to thank you! With him out of the way, I could claim my rightful place as the Decepticons one true leader!"

Merv: "Oh come the fuck on! What is with you robots and your power vacuums?"

Dennis: "And isn't 'usurper' Starscream's gig?"

Straxus: "Do you really think that little piss ant Starscream was the only bot gunning for Megatron's job? We're not the only ones who thought the guy lost his touch at evil."

Straxus: "And now that he's finally out of the picture, it's time to finish what he started: By destroying you Autobots and ruling this wretched planet in the name of the Decepticons!"

Straxus: "Which I'll start by taking this neat package from you. I hope it's in my size!"

Merv: "Come on man, you gotta be kiddin' me! You're like the only 20 foot tall robot around! And

Clapboard: "Besides, you only came with us because you were the last one to say 'not it.' back at the base."

Perceptor: "For allspark's sake, I'm only an intelligence bot, I'm only around to sound smarter than the others! They never gave me any good weapons!"

Perceptor: "But I suppose you are all correct. It is my duty to protect all innocent beings at all cost. Optimus would be furious if I didn't."

Dennis: "That's the spirit! Get our shirt back!"

Perceptor: "Well...you heard the Earthlings, drop the bag and go back to whence you came!"

Straxus: "And what are you going to do if I don't comply, Microscope? Look at me really close?"

Straxus: "Look at me! I transform into a tank! I'm covered in armor! I have guns mounted on my shoulders, my weapon of choice is a pickaxe!"

Straxus: "So if you're thinking if anything you do will hurt my in any way, I'd like to see it and laugh my servos off at such a futile attempt."

Straxus: "What I'm saying is, how you earthlings say it...come at me."

Perceptor: "Well, umm, when you put it that way..."

Straxus: "Hmm...very well. Let me tell you something that sets Megatron and I apart."

Straxus: "You see, Megatron always sent one of his underlings to do his dirty work, and when he's finally forced onto the field, he dies at the hand of a giant pokemon."

Straxus: "But as for me..."

*THWACK!*

Straxus: "...I'm more of a hands-on kind of bot."

Dennis: "Perceptor!!!"

Merv: "God, you suck."

Straxus: "Whatever, peons."

Straxus: "Now I shall take my prize. It's a nice little gift before I go find Magnus."

Clapboard: "Speak to me! Don't quit on us!"

Merv: "I'm Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Dennis: "Ah, man...I can't believe I was dumb enough to egg you on to fight that guy. I feel so stupid!"

Perceptor: "Do not worry, Dennis. Your heart was in the right place. I had a duty to fulfill, and none of you were hurt. I call that a victory in my book."

Dennis: "Yeah, but in MY book...it looks like you have a giant axe hole in your chest."

Perceptor: " My pain sensors ARE operating at an alarming rate, I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I guess our time comes when we least expect it."

Clapboard: "I hate death, I really do. Even though I'll never experience it, I can't stand it!"

Perceptor: "Do not feel bad about yourselves...all of you...Ugh...I guess I was wrong about this not being worth dying over."

Perceptor: "I guess my only regret...is my character not being fleshed out enough..."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

+

Merv: "Is he...?"

Dennis: "Regenerating!"

Perceptor: "Oh...I'm...alive?"

Perceptor: "And...I have articulation?! Amazing, I managed to reformat!"

Dennis: "I thought it was regeneration?"

Perceptor: "Of course not, the term for us Cybertronians is 'reformatting.' We keep our memories and such, but our entire bodies change when the old one becomes worn out."

Merv: "(cough)Retcon!(cough)"

Clapboard: "But I guess we're all happy you're okay!"

Perceptor: "Of course. And...where's Straxus?"

Dennis: "He left with the package not long after you stabbed you in the chest."

Perceptor: "Well that's a fine how do you do. And did I hear him mention something about...Magnus?"

Dennis: "Yeah...why?"

Perceptor: "If this Magnus is what I'm thinking, we have to go back to Optimus and the others! Your world is in great danger."

Merv: "Well, again."

Dennis: "Sigh. Looks like it's another exciting adventure for us. I should've known something was up when I looked at the calendar today."

TO BE CONTINUED!

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What I'm Thankful For - 2012

It's that time of year once again, dear readers.

No, shut the hell up! But yes, it's Thanksgiving and around this time I tend to jot down the stuff I'm thankful for the past year. This may be the first year I seem to actually be thankful for something! It's almost December, so I better make this count!

This year, I'm thankful for the following:

1) My family, friends, and brothers.

This is obvious. I'm glad that each and every person I know, well, knows I still exist. I like that.

2) All of you.

Yes, you. You read this, giving these random drabbles meaning! Thank you ever so much!

2) I got out of Hurricane Sandy safely.

It was already a month ago, but I still feel blessed that Sandy only took out power and some trees where I am. My hometown was one of those towns that made the front cover of Newsday after the storm hit...because Sandy performed a magic trick and made a chunk of it disappear.

Thankfully, I'm back up and running and posts SHOULD be coming out at regular intervals soon. Christmas is coming, after all!

3) The job that I currently have.

I mentioned it before, but back in March, I got a job as a vendor for King Kullen after eight months of not having a job. I pack out the Health & Beauty Care aisle, order the stuff, change up the endcap thing at the end of the aisle to show off the things on sale, what have you. But the best part of this job?

The money. Yes, I'm incredibly happy to finally have a job that pays me money. "I Can Live on This" money, too! I don't have to worry about funds or anything, either. The best part is, I'm single, so I have a shitload of disposable income! And, umm, I've since gone crazy with it. Over the summer, I went Transformers crazy, probably spending close to $400 worth. I can't help it, the Prime and Generations lines are awesome! And when I get all of the figures that Hasbro put out...new ones start showing up! It's an addiction, I tells you!

Okay, okay, before I digress, there's a bunch of other positives about this gig. I'm not tied to a schedule, managers, anything really. So if I ever get the urge to say "Screw this, I'm outta here!" I can actually say screw this and leave! It's so great!

4) And finally, I'm thankful for this picture:

This sounds like a setup of the best joke ever. The Dalai Lama, Indian Doctor Evil, and Fred Armisen dressed as the Pope walk into a bar...


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The King of Cartoons

It's the end of October and right around this time, I usually post something related to Halloween. Sadly, I don't know whether Hurricane Sandy (right in my path) will knock out my power, so a big, sprawling post is a no-go for now. (UPDATE: Not 15 minutes before finishing up this entry, BOOM! Cable went out. The power went about an hour later. I got power back on Wednesday, but the Internet didn't return until 11pm Thursday night.)

I went to NYCC earlier in the month and I have a grand entry to write up for it...but not now. Soon. But since election time is almost upon us, I guess this is as good a time as any to announce my candidacy for my latest run for office.

That office? The King of Cartoons.

There's the previous king. Bask in his glory. Sadly, his time is coming to an end and I wish to run for his spot. It's not a difficult job. I just wear a crown and travel door to door and play cartoons to anyone who lets me inside.

For those of you who wish to call my bluff, I will now play a cartoon for you all. And keeping in the Halloween spirit, I'll show you a trailer for one of the worst movies I've seen in recent memory. No, not Birdemic, but it's up there.

It's a movie called Foodfight! Made in 2003 but unreleased until now, it has a troubled history. Created as the advertising mascot's answer to Who Framed Roger Rabbit, it turned out as a Casablanca ripoff involving a Dogtective (Charlie Sheen pre-Winning mode) and a Squirrel Pilot (Wayne Brady) fighting the evil Brand X to save their supermarket. It helps to know that Brand X is a not-too-subtle stand in for the Nazis. Yeah, black uniforms, the salute, and Jeff Bennett as Not Tim Curry helps), and that you would be shocked to see which mascots made it into the movie.

Mr. Clean? Yep. Mrs. Butterworth? She's there. Punchy, The Hawaiian Punch guy? He's there too. The Energizer Bunny, Twinkie The Kid, The Vlasic Pickle Stork and even Charlie the Starkist Tuna appear at some point or another. There's a bit where Wayne Brady's plane slams into the tree that clearly belongs to the Keebler Elfs, but thankfully it looks they actually had some dignity intact. One of the more annoying characters is a penguin voiced by Chris Kattan, which I’m pretty sure should’ve been the penguin on the Kid Cuisine box. Spoiler alert, he "dies" about halfway through the movie and nobody in the audience gave a single fuck about it.

Imagine what this movie would’ve looked like with an actual budget! Well, it still would’ve been awful, but it would’ve looked nicer. Everybody in this movie seems to walk like they’ve just had a seizure, the graphics look would feel right at home on some Windows 95 program, and the puns. Such horrible, licensed food puns! Yes, they use “Spam” as a euphemism several times.

This thing was an hour and a half long, but if I were to compare the pacing to a snail’s pace the snail would want to vomit pus in every orifice on my body for being so insulted. The one site I watched this on (because no way in hell would I pay to watch this) had looped this same horribly animated scene of Dogtective’s girlfriend at least five times, and I wanted to die to make the pain stop. I can think can truly say that I no longer fear hell, for I have watched Foodfight!

Okay, okay, okay. Here's a better cartoon. Axe Cop! Halloween Edition! It's adapted from a webcomic written by a 7 or so year old boy about a cop that wields an axe, and in a minute and a half it is 1051x better than the entirety of Foodfight! Let the cartoon begin!

If I must say, Nick Offerman (aka Ron Fucking Swanson) is THE perfect voice for Axe Cop. Happy Halloween, everyone!

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The License Plate Game

Sure, sure, summer's come and gone but have I got a road trip game for you! I'm on the road five days a week and to keep myself from getting bored and veering into the rest of traffic, I've created a little game to keep my mind occupied.

It's about license plates. Back when I was a kid, to keep myself entertained on car trips before the age of iPods, CD players and such, I'd look at all the license plates from the cars around us. If I noticed state plates other than New York ones (It's where I live, btw), I thought it'd be pretty neat and I could mark down how many of them I've spotted over the years. Well folks, after 25 years of life, I've seen all fifty states and five Canadian provinces without ever going west of Sandusky, Ohio. Those provinces? Ontario, Quebec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and Prince Edward Island. That last one was on a motorcycle that I saw on a ferry to Burlington, Vermont.

But it wasn't until recently that I decided to turn all this into a game and create a point system of sorts. Since I'm not a greedy bastard, I've decided to share my game with the rest of you. My loyal reader. Readers. Jeez, I post so rarely these days I don't even know how many I have left.

If you ARE reading this...please don't go and enjoy my game. The rules are as follows:

1) Every state has a point attached to it. The standard will be my home state of New York. One of its more common plates look like this:

Not an actual number. Hopefully.

In your home state, it gets zero points since you see it EVERYWHERE.

2) Every state that directly borders your state gets one point. Every state that borders that state gets two points, and so on. Since cars from the neighboring states are most likely to cross into yours. If you spot Florida, it automatically gets two points if you're in any state besides Florida. You'd be surprised how often you see it.

In my state of New York, I only count New Jersey and Connecticut as one-point states since I live on Long Island. Of course when you're up in the hills of Upstate New York, of course one-pointers would include Massachusetts, Vermont, and Pennsylvania. I don't usually think about living in what essentially a Corner State, but articles like this usually do it.

3) If you're on a coast state, or if you're on the northern or southern borders of the country, states from the opposite coast/border gets s points. If you're from New York and see California, or if you're in California and see New York, you'd get five points.

4) Washington DC or a US Government Plate is automatically five points. Unless of course you're actually IN Washington, DC. Then  it's two.

5) Spotting a plate from Alaska or Wyoming is automatically 20 points, Hawaii is 25 points. Because even though it's possible, it's highly unlikely you'll see any of them. You'll have a better chance if you live on the west coast, but the points still stand. And if you RE in Hawaii, than any other state gets 50 points. Because...how the hell did that get there?·

6) Seeing a plate from Canada or Mexico is ten points. Yeah, you're more likely to see a plate from Canada than one from Alaska, Hawaii or Wyoming.

7) If you spot a vanity plate, you add one point to the value of the plate. So a New York vanity plate would be one point, New Jersey would be two, and so on.

8) If your car goes into another state, every plate from your home state, except for yours, gets one point. The plate of the state you're currently in then receives zero points.

This gets rather complicated if you're from New York like I am and then cross into New Jersey with every other New Yorker out there. In that special case, your home state gets zero points until you get past the first toll booth after the border, or until you go onto another road or something.

9) Finally, if you happen to see a car or truck with two different state plates, add the value of the two plates together. You're more likely to see this on tractor trailers, as the cab and trailer could come from different states, but I've seen two normal cars with two state plates before. They were parked next to each other in Burlington, Vermont and it remains the only time I've seen Wyoming's plate in person.

10) At the end of the trip, add up all your points. The winner gets whatever you decide the prize should be, but true gentlemen play for bragging rights.

Of course, if you live in another country, replace whatever I said about the states with provinces or whatever your country has instead. I hope that you play this game yourself, and that you silently thank me for the thirty seconds your mind spends on that and not on the overbearing depression that is rush hour traffic.


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Soundtracks For Summer: Movin' Right Along

Part 29 in my ongoing "Soundtracks For Summer" Series

Man, where did summer go? It's like just yesterday it was June, and tomorrow it's already September! I hate time, it's a lousy dimension.

Screw it, let's put on some traveling music.

I am about to shame myself by admitting that The Muppet Movie is the one Muppet movie I HAVEN'T seen all the way through. But if it makes you feel any better, I've seen all the other ones. Yes, even Muppets From Space.

I know, I need to get on that, but for now let's focus on the song. It's about you and your best friend driving across America, not caring how you get there since the beauty is in the drive itself. I haven't been able to do that much this summer since I now have an actual job. That pays me money.

But I was able to take a short road trip just this past Sunday to that Resorts Casino in the Aqueduct Racetrack up there in Queens. Just me and a good friend of mine driving the half hour into crazyville just to go to a casino buffet and maybe take in a few slot machines while we're at it. Even for a Sunday afternoon there was a good chance that my buddy and I were the youngest people in the entire casino that weren't already working there. All in all, for $20 it was a pretty decent buffet. They had a nacho bar, that alone says "awesome."

It's too bad that I didn't take any pictures, but if you've seen one casino filled with sad old people sitting at machines that emit sounds that they can actually hear, you've seen them all. If there was one thing I've learned, it's that Video Baccarat is something that exists. And that it's popular as hell.

That's it for this installment folks, see you in September!

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Soundtracks For Summer: Rockaway Beach

Part 28 in my ongoing "Soundtracks For Summer" series.

It's the middle of summer folks, so let's go to the beach!

Man, I've been on a Ramones kick lately, and this one is a perfect beach-going song. You'd hear it blasting on your radio on your way to the beach, at the beach, and anywhere else that gets you away and soaked for the day, really. I haven't been to a water park in forever, but I'll assume you'd hear it there, too.

The album version, at least. The live version, like all Ramones songs, is infinitely more kickass.

You know, Rockaway Beach is a real place here on Long Island. It may have been worth singing about years ago, but it's since became a shithole, thank you very much Robert Moses.

But in any case, you want to head to a beach (ANY beach) to get away from all the crap in life and get drunk while ogling people in skimpy bathing suits while this song is playing. Man, somewhere else is being really enticing right now, I don't wanna go back to work tomorrow. I really just wanna say "screw ALL the things!" and just head on down to Splish Splash (the local water park).

A week ago I was watching one of those "extreme water parks" shows on the Travel Channel and a random thought popped into my mind a few days later: Why have I been so chicken to go on water slides? I was never much of a water slide person, I think I blame it on various anxieties. I think it's the height plus not being strapped in plus falling plus, umm...falling itself. For those reasons I preferred going down the slides that required the innertubes and other rides that were closer to the ground. So skipped the normal slides and I eventually stopped going because I felt like I wasn't getting the most out of the park.

But then that thought showed up. "Why the fuck not?" Yeah, what's stopping me, really? The enclosed slides never really gave me a problem, and I've been too scared to go down the normal slides for And now I WANT to go, but thanks to my schedule I can only go on the weekends, when it'll be super crowded. And going to a water park needs different timing than going to a regular amusement park. The weather has to be juuuuuust right or else the day is wasted because you'll be cold as hell or nothing will be open. Plus, I don't know who I could go with. My friends, like myself, are all fat, broke, and self-conscious.

I haven't been there in about a dozen years, and I want to check out all the new crap they added. I hear that Bowl slides are all the rage these days. Plus, I may or may not eventually conquer the Cliff Diver, the tallest thing in the park.

Fifty feet tall. Yeah...I'm crazy.

BTW, I'm also taking reader submissions for future "Soundtracks For Summer" entries. If you've got an idea, pop me an email at beamingforbunnies[at]gmail.com OR comment on this entry OR at the Facebook Fan Page OR tweet me @Galileo908 with the name of the song, and a reason or two why it defines "Summer" for you. You'll be glad you did.

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Soundtracks For Summer: California Sun

Part 27 in my ongoing "Soundtracks For Summer" series

Holy crap, I've been doing this little segment for five years?! Well folks, it's June, it's hot, and I got the energy to type, let's do this!

This is near the top of my list of "Why the hell didn't I write about this sooner?" songs that remind me of summertime. First recorded by The Rivieras in 1964, it's both a great example from what is known as the "Frat Rock" genre while also being a great Surf Rock song, a genre that Frat Rock of the early 60's was heavily influenced by. Other bands belonging to this genre include The Sonics, The Kingsmen (the guys who made Louie, Louie) and the Trashmen (you know these guys as that band that sings Surfin' Bird).

You know, "Frat Rock" doesn't really do that genre justice. These all sound like Surf Rock songs. You know, lots of guitars, that weird sounding keyboard, and that incredibly vulgar acts come off as sounding like good clean fun. When I think of that phrase, I think of bands like Paramore, Dave Matthews, and Jimmy Buffet. You know, stuff that actual frat guys listen to. My circle of friends have shitty taste in music, guys.

But admit it, this is a song that was written purely for people lazily walking down a boardwalk on a busy summer day, or at the very least an amusement park that recreated a boardwalk for people that don't live near beach towns. Six Flags Great Adventure, I'm looking in your direction. In any case, even if your summer walking doesn't involve going on ferris wheels operated by shady looking men with three teeth, you know that this song will be blared through loudspeakers hidden everywhere and that thoughts of mandatory fun are being implanted into your brain. I've never even BEEN to California, but those subliminal images are making believe that I actually am. Is it weird to suddenly have an opinion about the quickest route down 401?

It'll probably pass, I know. But before I start having a compulsion to get tanned, while I spoke about The Rivieras above, you might know this song better from one of my favorite bands, The Rolling Stones Ramones.

Man, do I love that song. Sure it screams "sellout" with all the cars and crap it must have hocked up in the past, but I love it all the same. This has been fun, I really need to get back to writing, which I SWEAR will be soon enough, folks.

BTW, I'm also taking reader submissions for future "Soundtracks For Summer" entries. If you've got an idea, pop me an email at beamingforbunnies[at]gmail.com OR comment on this entry OR at the Facebook Fan Page OR tweet me @Galileo908 with the name of the song, and a reason or two why it defines "Summer" for you. You'll be glad you did.

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