2AM Rambling

I've been thinking about Canada. It's essentially "America Light." By this logic, that must mean that Australia is Britain's Canada. This also means that New Zealand is Australia's Australia.

Also, John Turturro is shilling Heineken now.



I don't mind one second that someone finally decided to combine the two great tastes of Heineken and John Turturro. My question is "Why?"

Why now?

Why John Turturro?

Why am I up at 2 in the morning thinking about this?

What Exactly Happens When You Squeeze a Marine Toad?

What indeed? I stumbled upon this very question during a casual search through my Shiny Stat page (seen as a counter on the right column), looking for searches where my site showed up in.

In the page for December 2008, this very request showed up at the bottom of the screen. There is no doubt at all that it's probably the most bizarre request I've ever seen...for this site at least.

Instead of questioning the sanity of this random Google searcher, let's back him up and answer the question.

This:



Is a Marine Toad. Just look at it. He's acting all Toad-like, with a smirk on his face telling me "I'm a Marine Toad, and I don't want to pose for this picture." He's taunting me. He probably likes to lick Badgers on the weekends. Don't we all?

I can see why someone would want to squeeze it.

The first thing we need to ask is: What shall we use to squeeze it? A magnificant question if I may say so.

There are several objects that we can use to induce squeezing:

-A Ball-Peen Hammer
-A Set of Pliers
-A Monkey Wrench
-A Size 7 Boot
-an 'Ove Glove
-Cymbals
-A Monopoly Game Board
-Car Tires
-A Vice Grip
-A Two-Foot long Ball Python
-and, of course, your Bare Hands

Any of these would work just fine. I would suggest wearing gloves when handling the Ball Python, though. Write this down in your notebook now.

When you choose your object (for the purposes of this study, I have chosen the Boot), you may then proceed to squeeze your Marine Toad. This brings us to the question at hand: What exactly would happen if the Marine Toad was to be squeezed?

The Everyman (ie, You) would suggest that the Toad would simply be flattened and a long trail of sticky residue would be left behind. But that's not interesting at all. Here are some of my most personal theories:

-The Marine Toad would dispense 8 Gold Coins, which are to be used to buy a Goose at the fair.

-The Toad would split off into other toads, eventually causing a rampage that would damage the ecosystem.

-The Toad would secrete a fresh ground powder which could be mixed with Orange Juice to create the World's Strongest Glass of Whiskey.

-The Toad would be crushed beyond belief, leaving its skin to retain the consistency of Silly Putty.



Yum. Write that down in your notebook now.

I hope that answers all of your questions.

AlphaInventions.com & The Trundle Bed of Chaos

As you may or may not know, I run another blog besides this one. In 10 Words is a small blog that sums things up in exactly 10 words. School House Rock, Rent, Barack Obama, what have you.

Yesterday, it had its most epic day ever. Now, when someone distinguishes something as "Epic," it's usually as an overblown hyperbole. But I think this one is justified.

Sunday's visits: 32
Monday's visits: 7,891

Holy. Crap. It's all thanks to a site called AlphaInventions.com, a site that links thousands of blogs together. These blogs appear instantly on the front screen as soon as they get updated. Somehow, last week, In 10 Words got linked there and got me about 50 hits in two days. Not bad at all from my standards.

But then I noticed something: On the main site itself, there is a collection of blogs that mention the site, at least in their title. So Monday's entry, AlphaInventions.com...In 10 Words was born in hopes that I would get some traffic.

It worked. Possibly too well. It seems that this particular entry was the only one to get views. I'm seeing a few repeat visitors, which is nice.

In a single day, In 10 Words got more visitors than THIS blog did in 11 months. And so, I'm writing this entry as a ploy to get traffic.

If it works, welcome one and all! Stay a while, look at other posts.

One entry in particular to look at: Beaming For Bunnies: The Essentials, a collection of my favorite & popular entries of the first 100 posts on the blog.

The 10 Worst Kirby Abilities

Hiyo, kiddies out there! It's your old pal Kirby! You know...from the "Kirby" game series?

(chirp)

...I'm in the Smash Bros.?

(Yay.)

Now that formalities are over with, it seems that our usual blogger, Galileo, seems to be missing at the moment. I mean, come on! It's January and he only had one freaking post! And by the blog bylaws that I just made up, that puts ME in charge for one whole entry!

I know that "The Man" is not overly fond of using list entries too often, but since this is my entry to shine, I'll give it a whack. Since everyone knows my adventures, what I mostly do is find similar puffball creatures and then eat them. Sometimes, I'll be able to steal whatever special powers that they might have. Mega Man's got nuthin' on me, bitches.

For some reason that I still can't grasp, every game that ever starred me has a rather inconsistent assortment of Abilities that I can gain. Even if the Dream Land series are the only ones of my games to have true sequels to them, some of the abilities don't even cross over into the next game! Don't even ask me how "Kirby's Dream Course" fits into all this.

You, my loyal fans, know of some of the truly AWESOME powers that I'm able to wield: Sword, Cutter, Crash, Mirror, Mike, Hammer, etc. But there have been some...less than awesome abilities thrown in the mix as well. Here now, straight from the Guardian of Popstar's Mouth, are my 10 most awful abilities, labeled with their first appearances.


10) Sleep (Kirby's Dream Land)

You must be asking yourself "Kirby, you awesome little thing, you: Are you going backwards?" FUCK NO. The reason why Sleep is at the very bottom of this list is that it is an intentionally useless ability. Hell, it took them over 10 years to give me the ability to recover a little bit when I was asleep, and even then I had to wait until the end of the damn game to do it! I hate this ability because it's such a damn hindrance. I sleep for a few seconds and I'm left open for an attack. That alone should have gained the top, but the guys at HAL love to taunt me. They know it.

May I point to that one room in "Great Cave Offensive" where I have to fly between the Sleep power statues in a WINDY TUNNEL to get to a treasure box that has the goddamn Mr. Saturn?


9) Light bulb aka Spark/Bomb (Kirby 64)

Oh yes, Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards had one heck of a gimmick: I only had 7 base abilities, but I can combine two at a time to create some interesting combos. I'm quite partial to Fireworks (Bomb/Burning), Snowflake (Ice/Needle), Exploding Shurikens (Bomb/Cutter), and Fridge (Ice/Spark). The Fridge is arguably the greatest ability that I've ever had. For one thing, I TURN INTO A GODDAMN REFRIGERATOR! Two, I spit out food, which not only damaged enemies, but I was able to eat them to recover when there was no Maxim Tomato in sight.

With 49 or so possible combinations, there were bound to be a few duds. The Light bulb was one of them. It's only use was to light up dark rooms, and the purpose of THAT was to solve a few puzzles that led to about two or three Crystal Shards. Because there is a Bomb in the mix, the bulb eventually explodes, rendering the room dark again, just when I was about to find solve the damn puzzle. Sorry Ribbon, your savior is in another castle.

Of course, the Light bulb ability actually existed with a little more usage in Kirby 64's two predecessors: Kirby Dream Lands 2 and 3. They were obtainable when I joined up with Kine the Fish when I had the Spark ability. Seeing as he was only useful underwater, the light bulbs lit up the way to the exit. In those games, forget about having stars on top of every door. Nope, that was only reserved for the Exit, and the light bulb came in handy for finding the way out. In Dream Land 2, Kine was able to spit the light bulbs at enemies whenever he damn well pleased. In its sequel, the light bulb just happened to explode. But there was one main advantage that didn't carry over to Kirby 64: The jagged remains of the bulb were still in Kine's mouth, and he was able to stab enemies with it.


8) Hi-Jump (Kirby's Adventure)

Hey, I can fly for an infinite amount of time in most of my games, how about giving me an ability to just jump really quickly? Oh, and can the only way I can damage baddies is by ramming my head through them from below? Which would leave me vulnerable even before I fall? Joy!

This power first appeared on the Butter Building level in Kirby's Adventure, which also happened to be my first game where I had powers. Of course, that game had a few redundant abilities that were later combined in later ventures: Ice & Freeze, Burning/Fireball & Fire, Throw & Fighter, and Backdrop being renamed Suplex, because they pretty much did the same thing. What happened to Hi-Jump? Well, in games like Kirby's Super Star, I was able to bounce off my helper's heads and achieve the same effect. It says a bunch about an ability when it becomes downgraded into a default attack.

The only boss that this piece of crap ability was useful against? Kracko. The only downside of this ability's removal was that Kracko became "That One Boss." Cycloptic Electric Bastard. I never liked that guy. Hell, it was completely useless against Mr. Bright & Mr. Shine, since you can only damage the Mr. who was on the ground.


7) Ice Skating aka Ice/Cutter (Kirby 64)

This power reminds me of a joke by Dave Attell: "You're not gay if you watch the Ice Capades. You are if you say to someone 'SHH, I'm trying to watch the Ice Capades! Quiet!" Yeah, and this is coming from a ball of pink fluff that sucks things.

Sure I get to dash faster, but the only way to attack is if I jump. Even then, it's a terribly short ranged attack, and I'm more likely to hurt myself than any of the lame mooks in that game. Why could the Ice/Cutter combo create some kind of cooler weapon, like Ice Boomerangs, or an Ice Sword, or anything that doesn't involve awkward skating.

Let's move on before someone decides to question the sexual orientation of the already ill-defined sexes that exist within my universe.


6) Clean (Kirby's Dream Land 3)

I might be a childlike Star Warrior from beyond the stars, but I'm no immigrant. If there was a smudge to already flawed "Kirby's Dream Land 3," it would be the existence of this one f'ing power. Broom Hatter didn't deserve to get a copyable ability in my eyes. All of my abilities have a purpose, and this one was to obviously clean things. Of course, I was able to combine this ability to become slightly more useful with my six animal buddies.

They were still only used to clean dirt and the like. A feather duster isn't going to scare any Bronto Burts, I'll tell you that from experience. "Ooh, a plunger. Are you the gay Mario Brother?" Middle School was hell for me.


5) Stone Buddies aka Stone/Cutter (Kirby 64)

It's well known that Stone and Cutter are fairly good abilities, but combining them? Useless shout outs. I randomly carved myself into one of my six animal buddies from Kirby's Dream Land 3: Rick the Hamster, Coo the Owl, Kine the Fish, Nago the Cat, Pitch the Small Bird, and ChuChu the Pink Blob-Octopus-Thing.

Stone was well, Stone. Unlike the other games it appeared it, I was able to walk around in stone form, albeit very slowly while being unable to jump. The Stone Buddies ability just made it more awkward. For one thing, size mattered. If I became Pitch (the tiny bird), you were able to flutter for a few feet and then roll for a short time. But if I became Coo, then I was only able to fly a few inches off the ground. Kine was the useless one, as I could only turn left or right even if I was underwater!

Like the aforementioned Light bulb, its only purpose was to get to ONE Crystal Shard. I had to break the Stone/Cutter wall, and then wall jump to get to the shard. Only Rick could do this, and did I mention that there was a random chance that I would turn into one of the other 5 buddies?


4) Mini (Kirby & The Amazing Mirror)

Have I made it obvious that I'm not a fan of gimmicky abilities that are only useful to gain an insignificant amount of whatever collectible I need for the purpose of 100% completion? Mini is one of the worse ones of all.

Obviously, I shrink. That's it. I can't attack with it, can't call any helpers, can't even make anyone else smaller. Just shrink to the size of tiny cracks in walls to get to treasure chests. Thank Nova that this only appeared in one game.


3) Melting Ice Cube aka Ice/Burn (Kirby 64)

This was by far the worst combo in Kirby 64. With both Ice and Fire abilities being used to combo with other abilities, it was only logical that that the Ice/Fire combo would exist as well. What did we get?

STEAM! Yes, I manage to freeze myself into an ice cube, only to immediately thaw out. It had an incredibly short range, and it could only damage while I was thawing out. It was also the rarest combo in the game, with absolutely no purpose whatsoever. In fact, the only plausible area to try this ability out on was that pit with all of those helicopter blob things that exploded upon contact. Why they became Ice enemies in this game were beyond me.


2) Light (Kirby's Adventure)

Speaking of abilities that only appeared in one game, here's Light. If this sounds familiar to the Light bulb move earlier in this list, it is. It was only found in two levels in Kirby's Adventure, making it my equivalent of the Kuribo Shoe. The only thing it did? Light up a dark room to see the hidden door easier. Oh, and it's a one-time use ability as well, putting it in the same league as Crash, Paint and Cook.


1) Copy (Kirby Super Star)

Okay, what the hell was HAL smoking? I can already copy enemy abilities, thereby immediately causing its very conception to be one hell of a redundancy. It was just another damn excuse to give me a helper with my exact same power, not to mention the key to 100% completion in "Milky Way Wishes." It's found at the end of the level on a star that's in the middle of the galaxy. Fortunately for Kirby Super Star Ultra, it made the ??? level easier to spot. I found it by chance in the original game.

Like Light, it was ALSO a one-time use ability, except if I used the Copy beam on a normal enemy.

Lame, fairly useless, and redundant. The Holy Trinity of Kirby Crap.



That's it for my Contractually Obligated entry! Let's hope "The Man" gets back here soon.

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Two Oh Nine

It's one week into 2009 and I haven't written a new entry yet?! For shame, myself. For shame.

That's going to change right now.

Usually the start of a new year means Resolutions, goals, and/or predictions for the year to follow. I'm not one to make resolutions, because that would mean that I want to change something about myself. I'm already the World's Most Perfect Blogger™, as a trophy that sits on my computer desk proudly elaborates.

I also usually sum up the year that recently closed, month by month. But 2008 wasn't much of a good year for me, despite a few positives.

The year started without much fanfare, until February came along. A week before Valentine's Day, my girlfriend broke up with me. Via a text message no doubt.

Cue myself being a depressive wreck for the next five or so months. We've since mended our severed ties and become friends again around a month ago (we were friends before "taking it to the next level," if you will), so that's a plus there.

February was also important for two things: During the pledging process in my fraternity, I finally gained a Little Brother to call my own. Each pledge gets their own "Big Brother," their mentor/sponsor/guide for the whole process, and the bond usually sticks around after it's over. It was about time, since for a reason that I don't remember, I didn't get one the year before. But that's all forgotten now. I have my Little Brother and that's that.

Second, I launched this very blog at the end of February! I've amassed well over 100 posts, and I'm aiming for 100 more. Beaming for Bunnies was mostly launched due to my 50 Greatest Animated Villains of All Time list, to give the list a more...legitimate exposure. It has since been my most popular series of entries. If the search entries are true, it's also the most likely reason you found this blog in the first place.

For March, I turned 21 on the 23rd, which was Easter. Yeah, I'm going to skip explaining all the other stuff that happened this month as well. Aside from the fact that I finally procured my Wii, my $250 God-like Fun Machine.

April: Wrote my "Top 20 Muppet Show Moments" Entry.

May: Discovered Buffalo Wild Wings, which has become the only Chain restaurant that I actually want to go to on a regular basis. I also added the counter to the right.

We now come to one of my favorite months: June. It was the only month where I actually blogged daily with the "Things That Start With ___" Series. As such, it gave me my highest period of traffic ever. It was also helped by the fact that a Competitive Eating Blog had somehow found my entry for N, which enraged Competitive Eater "Beautiful Brian" Seiken. I didn't know about the CE site until a few months ago. The content within explained why he was so angry at me. Not to mention the reason why I never received the free sample of his CD that he promised to send me.

July & August weren't that eventful, sadly.

September is when I launched my second blog In 10 Words. Updated every weekday! Please go visit.

October: Halloween! I went as The Dude from "The Big Lebowski." I did it because three weeks prior, The Dude himself came to me in a dream and basically said "dress up like me for Halloween." I grew out a beard for the occasion, which I still have. I'm lazy about that whole "shaving" thing, and I'll probably be bored of it in a few months and shave it off.

November: I don't recall any elections going on during November 4th, even ones where someone important, intelligent, history-making, and articulate (for once) got elected. Must have slipped my mind. The next day, I went with a friend to see a taping of that night's Daily Show, which was awesome. I got to see both John Oliver & Jason Jones! Oh, and Jon Stewart is freaking tiny in real life. They also compensate by having the desk be low to the ground, so that helps.

I also posted the "A Very Dennis Thanksgiving Special," which was proved to actually be popular. The things that prevented me from making a Christmas Special were time and a lack of ideas. Yes, the process from thinking it up to actually posting it took five days, but I didn't have many ideas for the Christmas version. I also didn't have much time between school and work to actually work on it. I assure you all that I WILL make "A Very Dennis Christmas Special" a staple of the 2009 Christmas Season.

December: Christmas, whose season went by WAY too fast.


So that's my 2008. I'm fairly optimistic for 2009. In fact, I already accomplished one of my goals for this year: Try the "Blazin" sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings. It's the hottest sauce they've got, and I'll admit to the fact that I'll never try it again. It's not that the sauce was too hot. It was, it was the taste. I'm not a fan of sauces that are hot for heat's sake, and pretty much leave out the flavor. It could possibly be due to the fact that your tongue would have melted out of your mouth before it even bothered to register any other sensation to the taste buds.

I'll leave off with this note: If it burns going in, it'll burn just as much coming back out.