Better Know a Christmas: Great Britain

"Christmas" in the traditional sense may have ended at 11:59pm, but there are still 12 more days of Christmas to go, so it's only fitting that I'm devoting more time to these entries. There would've been more this week but "A Very Dennis Christmas Special" took up most of my time aside from work.

The country getting the spotlight this time? Great Britain.

If anything, Britain is probably single-handedly responsible for saving Christmas from becoming as important as Channukah. Back in the 19th Century, Christmas was a mostly Catholic holiday and was in danger of falling out of style until Charles Dickens himself wrote "A Christmas Carol." It's highly likely that people like Scrooge were common back then, and this tale gave them quite the wake up call. Sure, while it's one day off, people began to realize to care about people, their legacy, and, well, money. Yeah, it turns out the only way to truly save a holiday is to commercialize the hell out of it. Over a century later, this has yet to fail.

Traditions, you ask? Plenty. Britain shares plenty of ours, like caroling, putting up the trees and obnoxious light displays, hanging stockings, having too much eggnog, you get the deal.

The significance of Poinsettias originated here. At first I wondered what the hell it had to do with Christmas, but apparently its shape signifies the Star of Bethlehem, with the red representing the blood of Christ. There seems to be a lot of "blood" and other fluid related names for food in Britain, Isn't there? Blood Pudding, Mincemeat pie and Steak & Kidney Pie (which, according to Marge Simpson, is what they call Botulism on that side of the pond).

It's also worthy of note that Christmas cards were invented here, too. In 1840, a man who had forgotten to buy his wife a gift that year decided to scrawl out "MERRY CHRISTMAS! I LOVE YOU!" on a folded-over pub napkin to give to her in its place. It's the thought that counted, and people have been carrying on the tradition ever since.

What do they eat for Christmas Dinner? Well, over there, the big Christmas meal is lunch, to make up for the lost time that there's no Thanksgiving or Thanksgiving-like holiday in November. Besides the usual spread of Turkey, cranberries, Brussels sprouts, roasted potatoes, and various other familiar side dishes of crappy British food, they eat mincemeat pie, fruitcake, and most importantly...Christmas Pudding.

Dun dun duuuuun! I'm exaggerating a bit, I know. It's usually made with plums, or as the song goes, figs. As the picture shows, it, much like the Flaming Homer itself, seems to be improved by the addition of fire. To mask the taste, stuff like dried fruit and nuts are baked with the plums or figs, and is usually covered by cream and a hefty amount of alcohol.

Oh, and don't expect any two sets of families to prepare any of these foods in the same way. That's just the way it is.

Another timeless British Christmas tradition itself is the Christmas Cracker.

It's a paper-covered tube filled with confetti and sorts that explode when two people pull it apart. Tradition states that a small toy and a little slip of paper containing lame jokes must be contained within, and the event must be partaken whilst wearing dumb paper crowns. Everyone hates it, but tradition states that, too.

We sure can't forget about the British Equivalent of Santa, Father Christmas.

There's not much of a difference between him and the American Santa, aside from the name and the clothes. Oh, instead of living at the North Pole, he lives in the more realistic Lapland. It at least answers the annoying questions of kids if where exactly he lives, and people can actually visit it and not fear it melting away due to Al Gore's Global Warming.

Lastly, there are the Christmas Specials. Sure, the UK imports some of ours, but they've got some traditions of their own. First off, it just Isn't Christmas unless Channel 4 airs "The Snowman"

A quaint little Christmas special where a Snowman comes to life, and plays with the protagonist until he disappears. It's such a tradition, it's on the level of "Charlie Brown Christmas" and "Rudolph" if someone screws with it. The one year where the special DIDN'T air, Channel 4 had its lowest Christmas ratings ever, and was beaten out by Channel 5, which is the U.S. equivalent of Fox being beaten out by CW.

Along with that, Dr. Who airs its annual Christmas Episode, the soap operas like East Enders and Coronation Street air their most depressing episodes of the year, and the Queen gives out her yearly Royal Message which airs on most of the terrestrial channels. She basically trots out and gives a message of peace, love, and waving, and then back to her palace for six more weeks of winter. To combat this, Channel 4 airs an Alternative Message at the same time, with a different speaker each year. Last year was "President" Ahmadinejad, and in 2004...it was Marge Simpson, of all people.

...I'm pretty sure that video sums this all up rather nicely.

A Very Dennis Christmas Special

Live, recorded several months ago in an undisclosed location in Clifton, New Jersey, it's...

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Starring:

Dennis!

And Featuring:

Everyone from the Thanksgiving Special that is still alive!





Along with Dennis's Special, Special Guest Stars (scheduled to appear):

Jeff Foxworthy!

Burl Ives!

"Weird Al" Yankovic!

Imogene Coca!

David Bowie!

Bob Barker!

The California Raisins!

Linus!

Morgan Freeman!

Bill Maher!

And a visit from the Big Man himself...


Barack Obama!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL IS SPONSORED BY:

Hess: The Lesser of Two Evils!

AND BY:

B.C. Clark Jewelers: Reminding Oklahoma It's Christmas Since 1892!

Dumdumdumdumdumdumdum, dumdumdumdum dum dum...

Dennis: Oh, Hi! Didn't see you there for a minute! I'm notable Beaming For Bunnies Character, Dennis!

(canned applause)

Dennis: If there's one thing I absolutely love, it's Christmas! The giving, the joy, the gifts. Hell, even the figgy pudding, I love it all! Everyone's probably sick of all of those OTHER Christmas specials playing non-stop on TV right now, and this year I decided to bring something new to the table with a special of my own!

But I Know what you're thinking, my endeavor with Thanksgiving last year was a total bust. And it was. But this year will be different, I assure you! For one thing, we actually got ourselves a budget!

Dennis: ...Which I blew 90% of on this tree. It's a nice tree, if I may say so, myself!

Dennis: And if you noticed, I decided to start my Very Special Christmas Special DURING my party itself, and look, I actually have guests this year!

Dennis: How's the party goin', guys?

Meta-Knight: Eh.

Dennis: And to be sure that everyone sticks to the script this year, I hired a writer!

Lakitu: Hey, thanks for inviting me to your special, Dennis!

Dennis: Okay, thanks and all, but I'll be honest with you: I don't know how to pronounce your name.

Lakitu: You could always refer to me as Judgem.

Dennis: ...I think I'm just gonna call you Phil.

Lakitu Phil: Sigh. I'll be over at the mistletoe...

Dennis: Say guys, what do you want for Christmas?

Meta-Knight: I want one of those sweet-assed race cars, just like in the Hess commercials! It blinks, bounces, and has a littler car inside the big car! I'd be so awesome in that.

Kirby: Well, I just want something a little more low-key: Just a DSi. Preferably the one that matches my skin tone. And a bottle of Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash.

Meta-Knight: ...You're kidding, right?

Kirby: Shit's good. That damn Holiday Hawk ad got to me, I'll admit it.

Dennis: Great...How 'bout you guys?

Merv: I want one of those Zhu Zhu Pets.

All: A Zhu Zhu Pet?!

Shyguy: Why would you want one of those dumb hamsters?

Dennis: Yeah, you don't seem like the type that buys fake pets.

Merv: Oh, it's not for me. I just want one so I can hock it on eBay and rake in some dough from the panicky moms who don't want to make their spoiled little snowflakes sad! I just love taking advantage of Christmas fads!

Shyguy: That so? I know where you could find one of those...

Merv: For the last time, I'm not into that.

Shyguy: My mistake. I can't afford to do another nickel, anyway...That's what I want.

Dennis: ...Um...Yeah. How 'bout you, Phil?

Phil: well, now that you mention it...

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

Dennis: Whoops, looks like it's gonna have to wait!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: What's that? Methinks I hear carolers at the door!

Carolers: Here we come a'waffling along the leaves so green! Here we come a'waffling, so fair to be seen! Love and joy come to you, and to you and, waffles, too, for a happy new year!

Dennis: Why, it's famous Transformers Starscream, Prowl and Optimus Prime!

(Canned applause)

Optimus: We heard you were having a Christmas Special over at your house tonight, Wheelie, and we just had to spread some joy!

Dennis: My name's Dennis.

Optimus: As I was saying Huffer, we come to you as The Three Wise Bots, and we all brought gifts!

Optimus: ...The gifts! The gifts!

Starscream: Oh, fine! I brought you Gold!

Prowl: I bring you Frankincense!

Optimus: And I brought fur!

Starscream: ...Fur? Really?

Prowl: I'm pretty sure the third gift is supposed to be Myrrh, Prime.

Optimus: ...What the fuck is Myrrh, anyway?!

Dennis: Sigh. We'll be right back.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: While some of the newer characters are busy sitting on the couch watching "The Year Without a Santa Claus," I've gathered my old friends for the one, special thing that's been on my mind all year!

Dennis: What the hell happened to my Jambox?!

Meta-Knight: The what?

Dennis: You know...

ONE YEAR EARLIER

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Dennis: ...Didn't I used to have a jambox here?

PRESENT

Meta-Knight: Oh, that dumb boombox you had laying around.

Dennis: It wasn't dumb! It was my Jambox!

Meta-Knight: Well, I didn't take it.

Prowl: It certainly wasn't me, a cop car being my alt-mode and all.

Optimus: I didn't do it, either, Topspin. Besides, that set was awful. If anyone took it, it was that damn Decepticon!

Starscream: Don't even bother, I didn't take that thing.

Dennis: Well, something happened to it. It's not like it got up and walked away! Sigh.

Optimus: Just don't be too hard on yourself, Beachcomber. It's Christmas, and we all gotta remember the reason for the Season!

Meta-Knight: He's got a point, Dennis.

Optimus: Yes, and it all reminds me of the story of Optimus Christ!

Dennis: ...Optimus Christ?

Optimus: Of course! He's the reason why Christmas is celebrated at all! I'm suprised that you're lacking knowledge of Christmas traditions, considering that we're currently partaking in one right now.

Dennis: Even said, I don't think we have enough time for a story like that.

Merv: Hey everyone, this guy's about to tell a story!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Optimus: Yes, my friends, this is a tale that begins THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO!

DECEMBER, 1973

"Yes, Optimus Christ was the noblest of all Autobots, preaching kindess, good will, and the swift smiting of all Decepticons!"

"This was all well and good until he was betrayed by his dearest friend, Judamus Prime. Heartbroken, Optimus Christ was sentenced to die for the sins of all Autobots who came before and will come after him!"

Dennis: Lemme guess, he died on a cross?

"HELL NO! Robots are too heavy for wooden punishments. Also, it's pretty redundant to let a robot starve, since it doesn't eat, drink, or breathe, now would it?"

Dennis: Sorry I asked.

"Instead, Optimus Christ was fed to Unicron, saving us all from the same punishment."

"I think. With all of the Autobots saddened by the lost of their metal savior, they decided to turn their sorrow into an excuse to annoy relatives and set up obnoxious light displays!"

Optimus: ...And that, my friends, is where babies come from.

Dennis: ...I thought it was supposed to be why we celebrate Christmas?

Optimus: If you want to be specific about it.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Starscream: Hey, Peter came home!

Dennis: Sigh. An unresolved theft, a missing Jambox, a mediocre story, and we're almost out of Pomegranate 7-Up. Isn't there anyone who can tell me the true meaning of Christmas?

Linus: Perhaps I can help!

Dennis: Linus van Pelt from Peanuts?!

(Canned Applause)

Linus: I've done this before, Dennis. It's no big deal.

Linus:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them,

Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Linus: ...That's what Christmas is all about, Dennis.

Optimus: ...I liked my story better.

Phil: Hey guys, we can't forget about Channukah!

Dennis: Phil, I didn't know you were Jewish.

Phil: The cloud is. He's wondering if it'll get its token remembrance this year.

Dennis: Hmm.

Dennis: All in favor of skipping the Channukah segment?

Everyone But Phil: Aye!

Dennis: Maybe next year, Phil.

Phil: Sigh.

And now, a performance by The California Raisins!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! 

Merv: I say Snow Miser was cooler.

Meta-Knight: Bah! Heat Miser is infinitely the more awesome of the Miser Bros!

Phil: You guys see that new Miser Brothers Christmas Special on ABC Family?

Merv: ...We prefer to pretend that one doesn't exist.

Meta-Knight: And especially not that live-action abomination NBC made, which also does not exist.

BANG, BANG, BANG!!!

All: What the?!

Dennis: I think it's coming from the roof!

Shyguy: Hit the deck!

Kirby: Am I gonna get another line in this special?

Prowl: I hear ya, buddy.

Optimus: It's beautiful!

Optimus: It's the wish granting machine from "A Garfield Christmas!!"

Starscream: That's Santa Claus, stupid!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: Santa!

(Canned applause)

Santa: Ho ho ho there, everyone! I was in the neighborhood and I decided that it's about time I inject some actual joy into this special!

Dennis: Does that mean...?

Santa: That's right Dennis, gifts! Gifts for everyone!

Santa: For being a nice Anti-Hero this year, Meta-Knight, you can have this!

Meta-Knight: OH, HELL YES! BITCHIN'! Thanks, Santa!!

Santa: Here's a little something for you, Merv!

Merv: You mean it?! Oh, man, thank you! It's off to eBay with me!

Santa: I've got something especially good for you, Kirby!

Kirby: The Bob Dylan Christmas album. Gee....thanks.

Santa: Don't mention it!

Santa: Stuff this one up your stocking!

Shyguy: A "Hopalong Cassidy" lunchbox. Gee, I'll just travel back to 1956 when this was still relevant...

Santa: Santa still loves you, Phil! I got you the greatest gift of all!

Phil: A bottle of AXE Body Spray. Wooooow...

Optimus: What about us, Santa?

Santa: You're robots. You're too weird. Not to mention not even from this planet!

Optimus, Prowl, Starscream: Aww...

Dennis: I don't suppose you got anything special in that big sack of yours, Santa.

Santa: You bet I do, Dennis! I've got something that'll wipe that frown off your...body.

Dennis: ...

Dennis: ...MY JAMBOX!! :)

Dennis: Where did you find it?!

Santa: Well, that's the thing...I didn't exactly find him...

Dennis: Well I'll be damned. Jambox DID just get up and walk away..

Optimus: You just have to remember, Arcee: If there are transformers roaming about, assume that all inanimate objects can transform, too! You just never know, like with Jambox, here!

Soundwave: MY NAME IS SOUNDWAVE, NOT JAMBOX.

Optimus: Ha ha. And that's what you'll be from now on: Jambox!

Soundwave Jambox: CRAP.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! 

Dennis: Well, that's it for my Very Special Christmas Special, everybody! We ate, we drank, we got gifts, and no one died! Best of all, I got my Jambox back!

Jambox: SIGH...

Dennis: I'd like to thank our special, special guest stars: Meta-Knight, Kirby, Optimus Prime, Starscream, Prowl, Phil, Shyguy, Linus, The California Raisins, and of course, Barack Obama as Santa!

Meta-Knight: So, Happy Holidays!

Kirby: Fahoo Forays!

Phil: Happy Channukah!

Merv: Deck the halls!

Shyguy: Happy Kwanzaa!

Optimus: Remember the reason for the season!

Prowl: Don't drink TOO much eggnog!

Starscream: And watch out for the icy patch!

Linus: God bless us, everyone!

Dennis: So, from all of us:

Everyone: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Dennis: ...You guys look different.