Sunday, June 28, 2009

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE...WAIT, NO I'M NOT!

I guess you're all wondering if I have anything to say about Billy Mays, who died unexpectedly earlier today. Well, I do. AND TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I DO, I'M GOING TO SHOUT FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS ENTRY OUT OF RESPECT.



YOU MIGHT REMEMBER A FEW MONTHS BACK I HELD AN INFOMERCIAL PITCHMAN TOURNAMENT, PITTING 16 OF THE MOST WELL-KNOWN NON-CHUCK NORRIS INFOMERCIAL SPOKESPEOPLE IN A SINGLE-ROUND ELIMINATION FREE-FOR-ALL. DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST AND EVENTS TO AWESOME TO DESCRIBE INTO WORDS, BILLY WAS EVENTUALLY CROWNED THE WINNER IN THIS ENTRY.

WHEN BILLY FIRST EMERGED ONTO THE SCENE, I HAD THE SAME THOUGHTS AS EVERYONE ELSE: WHY DOES THIS GUY YELL SO MUCH? HASN'T HE EVER HEARD OF "TONE IT DOWN," OR AT LEAST "QUIET?" SURE ENOUGH, HIS SHOUTING HAD REACHED INTO THE MINDS OF US ALL, STARTING WITH OUR MOMS. WHAT DID HE START SHILLING? WHY, OXYCLEAN, ORANGE-GLO AND KABOOM, CLEANING PRODUCTS THAT, I'LL ADMIT, ACTUALLY FREAKING WORKED. AND SO, EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING WANTED BILLY TO SHOUT THEIR PRODUCT DOWN OUR THROATS.



I'LL ADMIT, HE GREW ON ME, AND I FELL IN LOVE THANKS TO THE UTTER HORRIBLENESS OF ALL THE OTHER PITCHMEN TO COME AFTER HIM: ANTHONY SULLIVAN, THAT GUY FROM THE NUWAVE OVEN INFOMERCIAL, AND VINCE THE SHAMWOW GUY. I HATE THEM SO MUCH. I WOULD GLADLY TRADE THEIR LIVES TO BRING BACK BILLY.

AND IF YOU ACT NOW, I'LL TRIPLE THE OFFER! MOMS CAN'T GET ENOUGH!

HE GAINED A BIT OF RESPECT FROM ME WHEN, DURING VARIOUS INTERVIEWS, HE REVEALED THAT HE DID INDEED HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE! AND WHAT HE DOES IS "PROJECTING," MAINLY SPEAKING LIKE YOU USUALLY DO, BUT MANAGING TO TURN UP THE VOLUME KNOB ON YOUR VOCAL CHORDS.



I GUESS THE ONLY THINGS I HAVE LEFT TO SAY IS THAT GOOD NEWS: WE WON'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH ANOTHER LOUD INFOMERCIAL. BAD NEWS: WE WON'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH ANOTHER LOUD INFOMERCIAL.

WE'LL MISS YOU.

1 comment:

melodicinsomniac said...

In a way, he reminded me of Guy Smiley.