Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Cure for March Madness: Week 3

Another week of great March Madness matches. Yes, we're currently in April, but that's how brutal this competition has been going!

Week 1 can be found here, and with it, the original bracket.
Week 2 action is here.

We're now down to the Elite 8! Let's see how the matchups went in this exciting week!

Division I

1. Billy Mays vs Wilford Brimley

With the clock counting down until the final judgment, Billy found himself in quite a pickle: he was out of OxiClean and Wilford had managed to slash off a good portion of his beard and had used the distraction to charge his Diabeetus eye Beams. In a lucky break, Billy discovered that bottles of Kaboom!™ were immune to the 'beetus and used it to reflect the beams back into Wilford's own mind.

In his head, Diabeetus is eradicated and he claimed himself as the victor. It's a shame that his body told a different story, hunched dead on the ground, choking on some Mighty Putty.

2. Suzanne Somers vs Mr. T.

During a heated "when's the last time you got work" discussion, Mr. T just about had it with Miss Tighmaster and summoned the spirits of the dead careers of his fellow A-Team companions to lift Suzanne to Rerun Hell where she belongs and is forced to be the roommate of Desi Arnaz and what's left of Tim Allen for the rest of eternity.

Division II

3. Ron Popeil vs Denis Haysbert

In quite the stunning upset, Denis managed to defeat Mr. Popeil by tricking him into crawling into his own Showtime Rotisserie Oven, in which he was simply set and forgotten. Just like Battlestar Galactica!

4. Sam Waterston vs William Shatner

Sam's squadron of killer pill popping robots were no match for the former Capt. Kirk, whom he quickly sexed to death to get to Sam himself, where he promptly used Priceline to find the pipe used to make that "donk donk" sound effect on Law & Order, and drove the metal bastard straight through Sam's temple.

Damn is the only thing I have to say about that. We're in the home stretch, The Final 4!

Next week's matchups:

1. Billy Mays vs Mr. T

2. Denis Haysbert vs William Shatner

All I know is my overall bracket is toast. How about yours? Who do you want to win? Submit your winners either through the comments or via email at

I would've made an updated bracket, not to mention funnier entries, but it's 3am and I'm tired as hell. See y'all next week!