Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Cure for March Madness: Week 2

Wow, it's been a crazy week, hasn't it? So much so that not one person has been pinned down enough to put in some votes or brackets for the Tourney! But that's no matter, I think I know how it's gonna go down.

Want to see the original bracket? Scroll down or click the link to the right to take you to the previous posts.

Let's see the results of the first week of matchups:

Division I

1. Billy Mays vs. Mr. Six

It seemed that Mr. Six had the upper hand in the first quarter when he taunted Billy with his dancing and suggestive nature towards going to Great Adventure to ride Medusa, but he was quickly taken out when Billy poured a concoction of OxyClean, Kaboom and OrangeGlo onto his face, rendering him into his true form: Al Roker.

2. Wilford Brimley vs Matthew Lesko

The Free Money riddles of Matthew Lesko proved to be no match for Wilford's glazed eyes, which are known to shoot deadly beams of Diabeetus into one's mind.

3. John Basedow vs Suzanne Somers

In a stunning upset, John Basedow was found with a tighmaster (along with his actual thighs) driven straight through his collarbone.

4. Vince vs Mr. T.

It seemed that Mr. T had pitied one too many fools this time as Vince had caught him off guard to "pay attention to his nuts," nearly Slap Chopping his Mohawk and managed to leave no mess behind to boot. All seemed lost for Mr. T until Vince was disqualified after being arrested for beating up a Prostitute. Cue legitimate pitying of fool.

Division II

5. Ron Popeil vs David Oreck

Quite an easy win for Ron, as David was pinned down by his own Eight Pound Vacuum cleaner after forgetting after apparently setting it. But wait, that's not all: Ron even had the damn gall to send a Pocket Fisherman down Oreck's air purifier.

6. Chef Tony vs Denis Haysbert

Sure, wielding about 29 different knives would seem intimidating to anyone, except that Tony didn't count on one thing: Denis calling in his old buddy Jack Bauer to put an end to him, and Chef Tony now permanently remains in Ron Popeil's shadow. How Jack managed to pull it off, I have no clue, but Jack Bauer doesn't need a damn explanation. For you see, he's running out of time.

7. Sam Waterston vs The Magic Bullet Cast

Sam Waterston vs a bunch of hungover drunks and Aussie seemed to be one hell of a battle. Wave after wave of drunken brawls and vomit persisted for several hours until the unthinkable occurred: Robots arrived to destroy the remaining cast of the Magic bullet when it mistook the usage of the titular product as someone harming its child.

8. Jack LaLanne vs William Shatner

The World's Most Fit Old Person and Capt. Kirk: Who would win? Sadly, Shatner's phaser was accidentally not set to stun, and Jack, confused by the direct hit, stumbled into his Power Juicer and became part of a complete breakfast.

Lots of good battles, and it's looking better now that we're in the Elite 8.

1. Billy Mays vs Wilford Brimley
2. Suzanne Somers vs Mr. T

3. Ron Popeil vs Denis Haysbert
4. Sam Waterston vs William Shatner

If you want to vote for who moves on, vote in the comments or at from now until Friday, April 3rd. See y'all next time!

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