Dennis & The iPhone Train Blues

"Sigh," heaved Dennis in his usual guttural tone. Now this "sigh" wasn't the "sigh" that he normally uttered to himself.

It wasn't an "I'm so awfully lonely" sigh, nor was it a "I would really like some pudding right now" sigh. No, this sigh was for a different reason. Dennis had sighed due to his new depressing obsession. It wasn't pudding, but it came close.

Dennis had always wanted an iPhone. Yes, that new strain of infectious nerdly instruments that seems to be sweeping the nation outside of Dennis's computer desk. It was a marvel that performed any function that anyone would want: E-mail, playing music, recording podcasts, text messaging, shave your fake mustache, walk your dog, Youtube video player, tazer, check the weather, book flights and hotels, summon Bill Cosby, uploading & sending pictures, meat grinder, camera, video camera, heart monitor, hot sauce dispenser, condom, and maybe, just maybe, you could call people with it.

Such functionality reminded Dennis of the "Thneed" from that story "The Lorax." It was a garish piece of fabric that turned itself into any article of clothing while simultaneously destroying the environment. According to its pitchman who held himself in some kind of tower, a Thneed was "something that everyone, everyone needs." Dennis couldn't agree more. If Dennis had one of these iPhones, the Internet, and the world itself, would be at the grasp of his nonexistent fingers.

Now that this device was available in a cheaper and faster form, Dennis had decided right then and there that today would be the perfect opportunity to finally cave in and purchase one.

Unfortunately, like the garish fabric in the Seussian tale of yore, the iPhone was something that everyone, everyone needed, and Dennis could immediately sense that shame and another guttural sigh was on the horizon.

Since Dennis was already sitting at his computer desk, he decided that he could simply order one online. The Internet was fascinating like that. Dennis was miffed upon discovering the screens that awaited him at the end of his searches:










Alas, Steve Jobs was partially correct. Those first two searches brought up an "iPod Touch," a strikingly similar looking device to the iPhone. It's a tricky subject in which Dennis believes the two i-tools are the same thing.

After some research involving Googling, staring at some stats, reading grumpy user reviews detailing the staring of said stats, and counting the number of dust particles on his "F" key, Dennis found only one minor difference between the two. Both the iPhone and the iPod Touch had the same functions, but the iPhone was the only one of the two that can call people to talk with. This finding further supported Dennis's theory.

This also meant that the only scenario that would end with an iPhone in Dennis's possession would be one where Dennis would finally leave his Computer Desk to go the Apple Store itself to purchase one. This realization began to rattle within Dennis's fragile, depressed mind. Hours seemed to pass, and then pause when his watch battery stopped, and then resume passing until it was the very next week.



"Sigh," groaned Dennis in a fairly upbeat tone as he decided that today would finally be the day when he would finally begin his journey to procure an iPhone. "Perhaps I'll stop for pudding on the way home," he wondered.


To Be Continued.