A Very Dennis Christmas Special

Live, recorded several months ago in an undisclosed location in Clifton, New Jersey, it's...

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Starring:

Dennis!

And Featuring:

Everyone from the Thanksgiving Special that is still alive!





Along with Dennis's Special, Special Guest Stars (scheduled to appear):

Jeff Foxworthy!

Burl Ives!

"Weird Al" Yankovic!

Imogene Coca!

David Bowie!

Bob Barker!

The California Raisins!

Linus!

Morgan Freeman!

Bill Maher!

And a visit from the Big Man himself...


Barack Obama!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL IS SPONSORED BY:

Hess: The Lesser of Two Evils!

AND BY:

B.C. Clark Jewelers: Reminding Oklahoma It's Christmas Since 1892!

Dumdumdumdumdumdumdum, dumdumdumdum dum dum...

Dennis: Oh, Hi! Didn't see you there for a minute! I'm notable Beaming For Bunnies Character, Dennis!

(canned applause)

Dennis: If there's one thing I absolutely love, it's Christmas! The giving, the joy, the gifts. Hell, even the figgy pudding, I love it all! Everyone's probably sick of all of those OTHER Christmas specials playing non-stop on TV right now, and this year I decided to bring something new to the table with a special of my own!

But I Know what you're thinking, my endeavor with Thanksgiving last year was a total bust. And it was. But this year will be different, I assure you! For one thing, we actually got ourselves a budget!

Dennis: ...Which I blew 90% of on this tree. It's a nice tree, if I may say so, myself!

Dennis: And if you noticed, I decided to start my Very Special Christmas Special DURING my party itself, and look, I actually have guests this year!

Dennis: How's the party goin', guys?

Meta-Knight: Eh.

Dennis: And to be sure that everyone sticks to the script this year, I hired a writer!

Lakitu: Hey, thanks for inviting me to your special, Dennis!

Dennis: Okay, thanks and all, but I'll be honest with you: I don't know how to pronounce your name.

Lakitu: You could always refer to me as Judgem.

Dennis: ...I think I'm just gonna call you Phil.

Lakitu Phil: Sigh. I'll be over at the mistletoe...

Dennis: Say guys, what do you want for Christmas?

Meta-Knight: I want one of those sweet-assed race cars, just like in the Hess commercials! It blinks, bounces, and has a littler car inside the big car! I'd be so awesome in that.

Kirby: Well, I just want something a little more low-key: Just a DSi. Preferably the one that matches my skin tone. And a bottle of Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash.

Meta-Knight: ...You're kidding, right?

Kirby: Shit's good. That damn Holiday Hawk ad got to me, I'll admit it.

Dennis: Great...How 'bout you guys?

Merv: I want one of those Zhu Zhu Pets.

All: A Zhu Zhu Pet?!

Shyguy: Why would you want one of those dumb hamsters?

Dennis: Yeah, you don't seem like the type that buys fake pets.

Merv: Oh, it's not for me. I just want one so I can hock it on eBay and rake in some dough from the panicky moms who don't want to make their spoiled little snowflakes sad! I just love taking advantage of Christmas fads!

Shyguy: That so? I know where you could find one of those...

Merv: For the last time, I'm not into that.

Shyguy: My mistake. I can't afford to do another nickel, anyway...That's what I want.

Dennis: ...Um...Yeah. How 'bout you, Phil?

Phil: well, now that you mention it...

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

Dennis: Whoops, looks like it's gonna have to wait!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: What's that? Methinks I hear carolers at the door!

Carolers: Here we come a'waffling along the leaves so green! Here we come a'waffling, so fair to be seen! Love and joy come to you, and to you and, waffles, too, for a happy new year!

Dennis: Why, it's famous Transformers Starscream, Prowl and Optimus Prime!

(Canned applause)

Optimus: We heard you were having a Christmas Special over at your house tonight, Wheelie, and we just had to spread some joy!

Dennis: My name's Dennis.

Optimus: As I was saying Huffer, we come to you as The Three Wise Bots, and we all brought gifts!

Optimus: ...The gifts! The gifts!

Starscream: Oh, fine! I brought you Gold!

Prowl: I bring you Frankincense!

Optimus: And I brought fur!

Starscream: ...Fur? Really?

Prowl: I'm pretty sure the third gift is supposed to be Myrrh, Prime.

Optimus: ...What the fuck is Myrrh, anyway?!

Dennis: Sigh. We'll be right back.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: While some of the newer characters are busy sitting on the couch watching "The Year Without a Santa Claus," I've gathered my old friends for the one, special thing that's been on my mind all year!

Dennis: What the hell happened to my Jambox?!

Meta-Knight: The what?

Dennis: You know...

ONE YEAR EARLIER

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Dennis: ...Didn't I used to have a jambox here?

PRESENT

Meta-Knight: Oh, that dumb boombox you had laying around.

Dennis: It wasn't dumb! It was my Jambox!

Meta-Knight: Well, I didn't take it.

Prowl: It certainly wasn't me, a cop car being my alt-mode and all.

Optimus: I didn't do it, either, Topspin. Besides, that set was awful. If anyone took it, it was that damn Decepticon!

Starscream: Don't even bother, I didn't take that thing.

Dennis: Well, something happened to it. It's not like it got up and walked away! Sigh.

Optimus: Just don't be too hard on yourself, Beachcomber. It's Christmas, and we all gotta remember the reason for the Season!

Meta-Knight: He's got a point, Dennis.

Optimus: Yes, and it all reminds me of the story of Optimus Christ!

Dennis: ...Optimus Christ?

Optimus: Of course! He's the reason why Christmas is celebrated at all! I'm suprised that you're lacking knowledge of Christmas traditions, considering that we're currently partaking in one right now.

Dennis: Even said, I don't think we have enough time for a story like that.

Merv: Hey everyone, this guy's about to tell a story!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Optimus: Yes, my friends, this is a tale that begins THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO!

DECEMBER, 1973

"Yes, Optimus Christ was the noblest of all Autobots, preaching kindess, good will, and the swift smiting of all Decepticons!"

"This was all well and good until he was betrayed by his dearest friend, Judamus Prime. Heartbroken, Optimus Christ was sentenced to die for the sins of all Autobots who came before and will come after him!"

Dennis: Lemme guess, he died on a cross?

"HELL NO! Robots are too heavy for wooden punishments. Also, it's pretty redundant to let a robot starve, since it doesn't eat, drink, or breathe, now would it?"

Dennis: Sorry I asked.

"Instead, Optimus Christ was fed to Unicron, saving us all from the same punishment."

"I think. With all of the Autobots saddened by the lost of their metal savior, they decided to turn their sorrow into an excuse to annoy relatives and set up obnoxious light displays!"

Optimus: ...And that, my friends, is where babies come from.

Dennis: ...I thought it was supposed to be why we celebrate Christmas?

Optimus: If you want to be specific about it.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Starscream: Hey, Peter came home!

Dennis: Sigh. An unresolved theft, a missing Jambox, a mediocre story, and we're almost out of Pomegranate 7-Up. Isn't there anyone who can tell me the true meaning of Christmas?

Linus: Perhaps I can help!

Dennis: Linus van Pelt from Peanuts?!

(Canned Applause)

Linus: I've done this before, Dennis. It's no big deal.

Linus:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them,

Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Linus: ...That's what Christmas is all about, Dennis.

Optimus: ...I liked my story better.

Phil: Hey guys, we can't forget about Channukah!

Dennis: Phil, I didn't know you were Jewish.

Phil: The cloud is. He's wondering if it'll get its token remembrance this year.

Dennis: Hmm.

Dennis: All in favor of skipping the Channukah segment?

Everyone But Phil: Aye!

Dennis: Maybe next year, Phil.

Phil: Sigh.

And now, a performance by The California Raisins!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! 

Merv: I say Snow Miser was cooler.

Meta-Knight: Bah! Heat Miser is infinitely the more awesome of the Miser Bros!

Phil: You guys see that new Miser Brothers Christmas Special on ABC Family?

Merv: ...We prefer to pretend that one doesn't exist.

Meta-Knight: And especially not that live-action abomination NBC made, which also does not exist.

BANG, BANG, BANG!!!

All: What the?!

Dennis: I think it's coming from the roof!

Shyguy: Hit the deck!

Kirby: Am I gonna get another line in this special?

Prowl: I hear ya, buddy.

Optimus: It's beautiful!

Optimus: It's the wish granting machine from "A Garfield Christmas!!"

Starscream: That's Santa Claus, stupid!

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

Dennis: Santa!

(Canned applause)

Santa: Ho ho ho there, everyone! I was in the neighborhood and I decided that it's about time I inject some actual joy into this special!

Dennis: Does that mean...?

Santa: That's right Dennis, gifts! Gifts for everyone!

Santa: For being a nice Anti-Hero this year, Meta-Knight, you can have this!

Meta-Knight: OH, HELL YES! BITCHIN'! Thanks, Santa!!

Santa: Here's a little something for you, Merv!

Merv: You mean it?! Oh, man, thank you! It's off to eBay with me!

Santa: I've got something especially good for you, Kirby!

Kirby: The Bob Dylan Christmas album. Gee....thanks.

Santa: Don't mention it!

Santa: Stuff this one up your stocking!

Shyguy: A "Hopalong Cassidy" lunchbox. Gee, I'll just travel back to 1956 when this was still relevant...

Santa: Santa still loves you, Phil! I got you the greatest gift of all!

Phil: A bottle of AXE Body Spray. Wooooow...

Optimus: What about us, Santa?

Santa: You're robots. You're too weird. Not to mention not even from this planet!

Optimus, Prowl, Starscream: Aww...

Dennis: I don't suppose you got anything special in that big sack of yours, Santa.

Santa: You bet I do, Dennis! I've got something that'll wipe that frown off your...body.

Dennis: ...

Dennis: ...MY JAMBOX!! :)

Dennis: Where did you find it?!

Santa: Well, that's the thing...I didn't exactly find him...

Dennis: Well I'll be damned. Jambox DID just get up and walk away..

Optimus: You just have to remember, Arcee: If there are transformers roaming about, assume that all inanimate objects can transform, too! You just never know, like with Jambox, here!

Soundwave: MY NAME IS SOUNDWAVE, NOT JAMBOX.

Optimus: Ha ha. And that's what you'll be from now on: Jambox!

Soundwave Jambox: CRAP.

A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

WE NOW RETURN TO A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! 

Dennis: Well, that's it for my Very Special Christmas Special, everybody! We ate, we drank, we got gifts, and no one died! Best of all, I got my Jambox back!

Jambox: SIGH...

Dennis: I'd like to thank our special, special guest stars: Meta-Knight, Kirby, Optimus Prime, Starscream, Prowl, Phil, Shyguy, Linus, The California Raisins, and of course, Barack Obama as Santa!

Meta-Knight: So, Happy Holidays!

Kirby: Fahoo Forays!

Phil: Happy Channukah!

Merv: Deck the halls!

Shyguy: Happy Kwanzaa!

Optimus: Remember the reason for the season!

Prowl: Don't drink TOO much eggnog!

Starscream: And watch out for the icy patch!

Linus: God bless us, everyone!

Dennis: So, from all of us:

Everyone: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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Dennis: ...You guys look different.

Better Know a Christmas: Sweden

Christmas is getting closer, so let's look at how another country celebrates the Yuletide. Tonight we'll focus on a place big on Christmas: Sweden!

God Jul to you all! Much like Matt over at X-Entertainment, Sweden's Christmas season starts at the beginning of Advent, aka December 1st and doesn't end until December 26th, St. Stephen's Day (yes, the very same "Feast of Stephen" mentioned in the song "Good King Wenceslas"). Whew.

In between those two, December 13th is St. Lucia's Day, a Hijacked By Jesus pagan festival of lights that celebrated the Winter Solsitce, which became a major holiday of its own. It's more of a food-related holiday in Sweden, where the eldest daughter of the family becomes the "Lucia" and give out "Lussekatts," buns flavored with saffron and covered in raisins for breakfast for the rest of the family. Like many holidays, it's become a gift-giving holiday in ITALY of all places, where St. Lucia rides a donkey to give out presents for children.

With Sweden being in Scandanavia and all that, you'd think that they would be familiar with Santa due to being in such close proximity to the Arctic Circle. But if you've been paying attention to this entry or have ever seen an episode of Metalocalypse, Sweden is a dark, dreary, country filled with pagans and aspiring death metal musicians. It's no surprise that their Christmas celebrations would have more pagan roots. Such is the case of its equivalent of Santa: The Tomte.

Looks like a garden gnome, doesn't he? And due to Christianization of everything pagan, including this thing, the modern image resembles more like Santa, or at the very least, one of the Kringles from Rankin-Bass's "Santa Claus is Comin' To Town." Common foklore was that the Tomte was an elf-like person who looked over one's house, and he's pissed off rather easily, especially if you eat the porridge that's left out for him. The Santa-iziation of Tomte now has him delivering presents, but he still gets rather pissed off if you disrespect him. I hear he shills for Travelocity during the off-season and may sometimes be voiced by Tom Bosley.

There are Christmas trees as well, and they're guarded by goats made of straw, to remind everyone about the Birth of Jesus. I guess using their actual goats are too risky.

Due to Sweden not celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve is the big eating holiday, and boy, its it! Everyone eats a big-ass buffet famously known as the "Smorgasbord" or "Julbord."

It's commonly served in three courses: The first one is fish, like smoked salmon, smoked eel, pickled herring, and various fish served with stuff like boiled eggs and the like. The second is cold cuts, like sausages, head cheese (known more commonly as Brawn), and a liver dish called leverpastej (a name that can only be pronounced by the likes of Skwisgaar Skwigelf). The most important of these is, of course, the Christmas Ham. These are served with cheese and pickled cucumbers. The final course is the warm stuff like meatballs, sausages, short ribs, and so on. Repeat until you're too full to berate your annoying family members.

Man, Sweden's awesome. Right, Skwisgaar?

"...That's ams pretty trues."

Shut up, Skiwsgaar.

Better Know a Christmas: Japan

It's nearly a week until Santa comes to do his yearly job of defying all physics to deliver gifts to all of the good, sleeping children of the world whilst dodging winds, NORAD, and surface-to-sleigh missiles. But I'm living in America, while awesome, I can't help but think of how this holiday is celebrated elsewhere in the world. I've looked around, and several places around the world have pretty kick-ass traditions.

The first in a series of International Christmas Celebrations, tonight we start with one of my favorites, Japan.

With all of the yearly stories about how the religious nuts are exaggerating the so-called "War on Christmas" that seeks to secularize the hell out of celebrating the belated birth of Jesus Christ has apparently never been to Japan around this time of the year.

Since the main religions in Japan are Buddhism and Shintoism, Christmas is considered the quintessiential secular holiday: People realizing that stringing lights around the house and leaving the rotting corpse of a tree in your house for a month in the dead of winter seem to be the antics of a drunk man, but not caring since it gives them a reason to potentially bring shame to their families. The fact that it's the biggest money spending holiday of the year certainly doesn't hurt Japan's "OMG THAT LITTLE THING IS AWESOME" shopping mentality, either.

As for the gifts themselves, they're delivered to children, and ONLY TO CHILDREN by Santa. But don't believe everything that you hear on the Simpsons, he is NOT called "Annual Gift Man" nor does he live on the moon.

Season 8's "Homer's Phobia," in case you were wondering.

Sure, people give other people gifts, but where's the fun in that? For everyone else, the holiday is a time for romance, and it's important for women to have a date on Christmas Eve, when the Holiday is traditionally celebrated on. There used to be an old stereotype with dateless women over 25 being referred to as "Christmas Cake," after the custom of everyone buying Christmas cakes before the big day, and any cakes left over are the undesirables. Thankfully, since people are marrying later in their lives, this joke has dwindled down, and the undesirables simple choose to plummet out of windows than live through the shame of spending Christmas alone.

Then there's the traditional Christmas feast. While you might think of Turkey Ham, and dozen of cans of Who-Hash, Japan has none of those. Instead the traditional Japanese Christmas Dinner consists of a big ol' bucket of KFC Fried Chicken.

While places like Burger King and Wendy's are faltering there, the Colonel is a damn staple in the Land of The Rising Sun at this time of the year. I can imagine some Japanese equivalent of Ebeneezer Scrooge awakening after an epiphany and telling a young Japanese street urchin to buy the biggest bucket he can find to prevent his beleaguered assistant's malnourished son from dying.

To sum it up, I love Japan. Is there anything I left out? I know I have Japanese readers out there, I'd like to know.

...I'm completely serious about that KFC part, by the way.

Pics are from here, and here.

Futurama Band Names

It's 2:30 in the morning and I've been thinking about bands that have been named after Simpsons references. This lead me to to think up of good band names from references from the awesome show Futurama. Here now is a good list off the top of my head:

Brannigan's Law
Citizen Snips (There's actually a band called that)
Beige Alert
Fry's Lower Horn
Molten Boron
The Nasty in The Pasty
Less Than Hero
You All Still Have Zoidberg!
An Afghan Made From An Afghan
Windmills Do Not Work That Way
The Feast of 1,000 Hams
Beta Romeo
Ham Gum
Thundercougarfalconbird
The Space Pope
Let Me Worry About Blank
Caffeinated Bacon
Archduke Chocula
Bureaucrat Conrad
Dwight Lightning
Bubblegum Tate
Farnsworth Parabox
Robot Party Week
The Radiator Woman from The Radiator Planet
Death By Snu-Snu
Daddy's Little Grandpa
Dr. Perceptron
Robot Nixon
Donovan Parker & Posey
Craterface
Whales on The Moon
Built Like a Steakhouse, Handles Like a Bistro
Kappa Kappa Wong
Kwanzaabot
Hannukah Zombie
Quantum Leek
All My Circuits
Hot Diggity Daffodil
iZac
The Clamps
The Lost City of Atlanta
Robot House
Turanga Leela
Clown Fundamentals
Scooty Puff, Jr.
Waling Fungus
There's No Such Thing as Two

I wonder who else can identify exactly where all of the respective references come from. They are ALL real references from Futurama. And like bands named after Simpsons references, some are definitely more obscure than others.

Any good ideas I miss? Post them in the comments!

Giving Thanks

A lot's been on my mind for the last few weeks. Since tomorrow is the day of Turkey Gobbling, it looks like a good time to put my thoughts on paper, or in this case...pixels.

-For the first year I can remember, there's not much I really want for Christmas. I already got a new phone (LG Dare!) and a new pair of shoes that count as early gifts, but aside from them, my list honestly includes the following: New Super Mario Bros Wii, The Simpsons Game (Wii), the Leader-Class Jetfire figure from Revenge of The Fallen that finally came out, the 4th volume of American Dad on DVD, the 2nd volume DVD of Freakazoid, and my annual Hess Truck. That's pretty much it. But there's one other thing that I want, material-wise that would be absolutely awesome:



The audiobook of Tracy Morgan's autobiography "I Am The New Black." On print, it's a rambling sort of memoir through the unique eyes of Tracy Morgan. This version is that...but performed by Tracy himself. That alone makes it hilarious in conception, and I'd love to hear how it sounds.

-I've been in a depressive funk for the past year or so that I'm just now starting to get out of. I can blame my crippling social anxiety for that, but I'll admit, it's starting to improve. I hate people...yet I also hate being alone and doing nothing. A small portion of that improvement comes from daily readings of "My Life is G," the positive version of "F My Life."

-I've also come to realize that I don't need a relationship to make me happy...yet I would absolutely love to be able to share the holidays and my geekiness with somebody else.

-I got obsessed with The Big Bang Theory. Once you get past the annoying laugh track (filmed before a live studio audience, no less!), it's a very brilliant show. Hilarious, Geeky, and it gets more ratings than its lead in, Two and a Half Men. By the way, it's a hilarious geeky scripted show...on a network and not cable!

-Video game-wise, I got addicted to Pokemon Rumble, which was released on WiiWare last monday. A full week later, I'm one Battle Royale away from beating the entire game.

-Some things that I'm truly thankful for: My Friends, brothers, family, MLIG, and that I possess that talent of going up on a stage to a quiet crowd and through my stand-up comedy, turn them into an unruly mob.

-Since it's probably Thanksgiving or afterwards when you actually read this, here's a link for A Very Dennis Thanksgiving Special, which I produced last year. I'll make the following announcement: A VERY DENNIS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL IS A GO, AND ESTIMATED ETA IS MID-DECEMBER!

-I always wanted to try Turducken. And actually start a Twitter feed.

-Also, this video is awesome:



Don't care if the wide-screen goes off the margins, it's just that amazing. Every major Muppet Show Muppet as well as several modern ones perform Bohemian Rhapsody. As my (nick)name is Galileo, which just so happens to originate from this very song, that part of the song just happens to be the best part of the whole damn video. Also a plus: They've now cast a VERY good sound-alike for Scooter.