Monday, September 20, 2010

Some Retractions

Folks, I don't apologize too often (I pay a tiny eight-person conglomerate down in Reading, Pennsylvania to do that for me), but there have been some recent events in my life that have caused me to...change my mind about things that I have decried before. These were things that I have stated my absolute hatred to on record, but I feel different now. And what's a better time to say "I'm sorry, bro" than during Yom Kippur, the Jewish holiday of atonement?

The first thing I apologize for is not being Jewish. If Judaism had a hell, I'd be sent to it for taking advantage of such a high holiday out of sect.

But seriously, here are two retractions that I feel like I should get off my chest.

Retraction The First: Mountain Dew

Yes, I have spoken about my disdain for the mortal enemy of Mello Yello in the past. But during the past few weeks, I started dating this girl who is completely addicted to the stuff. Like, "I drink it more than water" addicted. And I love her for it. But that's another story.

So naturally, it was inevitable that I finally tried some without the threat of the Soda Police holding a gun against my head. I must admit...Mountain Dew is pretty good. Sure, it's no Vault, and it's certainly not the awesomeness that is Vanilla Coke, but it's still pretty decent. I'll gladly choose it over Crab Juice any day of the week from now on, I'll make sure of it.

So to anyone that I've ever offended by my (former) disdain of Mountain Dew...I'm sorry. I'll still continue to hate Dr. Pepper, though. I'm not changing that, Soda Police.

Retraction The Second: Bacon

Ooh, this is a big one. I have several friends that have railed on me again and again whenever I said "I don't like bacon." Throughout my entire life, I never liked Bacon. I never liked how it looked, I didn't like how it smelled when it cooked, and I certainly didn't like how it tasted. Here's what I originally said about the subject:
Bacon: Those little strips of pork, I absolutely despise this stuff. It amazes me how not liking this stuff put me at risk of Geek License Revocation. I mostly hate how it smells, it simply makes me queasy sniffing it while it grills. I'm also not one to cite health reasons (hell, I frequent buffets and White Castle, eat scrambled egg sandwiches with cheese and sausage, and I've been known to eat 24 buffalo wings in single sittings), but my heart begins to punch itself whenever I see it on a burger, much less hear a story of how someone managed to order a plate of bacon at a Friendly's and actually get it.

Jim Gaffigan might love this stuff, but I don't like it one bit. Hell, I don't even like Kevin Bacon that much, and I tend to stay at least 7 degrees away from him at all times. You like it? Fine by me, more for you.
Well, I've been eating small portions of bacon here and there for a while, generally saying "Meh." But last week, I finally ate bacon the way it was meant to be eaten: As part of a Hungry Man Platter during that diner phenomenon "Breakfast For Dinner." (™CD-i Zelda Games).

I only have this to say: "WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN MISSING?!" Oh man, is it good. Fattening, heart-wrenching, yet good. That was my "Green Eggs & Ham Moment" of the year, by God. It's not gonna replace Ham as my favorite Breakfast Meat anytime soon, nor will I start putting it on burgers (shit costs extra, yo), NOR WILL I WRAP AN ENTIRE TURKEY IN BACON.

But now I've got another item in my menu repertoire! I'll also admit that I've slightly warmed up to Kevin Bacon, too. To my bacon loving friends: I'M SORRY. I LIKE BACON NOW!!

There, I said it. Please forgive me!

(pics are from here, here, and here)


Jason said...

I'm glad you came to your senses. I used to be a Mountain Dew Addict myself. I drink a lot less soda now(a can or two a day). But Mountain Dew Code Red is where it's at. Bacon is the ultimate condiment. I could eat bacon with almost anything. And I highly recommend bacon on your burgers. Extra or not, your taste buds will thank you for it.

peluchinoli said...

haha, sounds like my friend cassie would love you! she used to down 6 mt. dews a day, and she absolutely loves the shit out of bacon. sounds like a match made in heaven!