Saturday, December 13, 2008

Carols For Christmas: The Bad

As I mentioned in the previous entry, in terms of Christmas music, there's a much wider ratio between awesome and crap compared to the songs for Halloween. And like I said at the end, this entry will focus on the bad, the worse, the crappiest of Christmas tunes!

Now, there are certainly good songs with really horrible covers (and every good and bad Christmas songs have their shares), but I'm only focusing on the songs where you just wonder how anyone thought that they were good ideas. I'm not even going to dignify this list with telling you the performers of these songs. One, because they're awful. Second, it'll be easier to replace the videos once youtube inevitably takes them down.

The 12 Pains of Christmas

Ok, I may have lied about that "original songs only" promise, but this take on the 12 Days of Christmas is original enough. The 12 things that Christmas does to piss you off seems like a good concept for a festive novelty song. But really, you really don't want to be reminded of these little tidbits...again. I'll admit, I do enjoy what seems to be Jason Alexander's voice and his increasing frustration over rigging up lights, as well as the voice for the Christmas Card Guy.

I just can't stand that little kid at all. Whatever Deity you worship, just shut that damn little kid up!

Feliz Navidad

I've never been a fan of this song. It's not BAD, but six years of working in retail with this and several other covers of the song thrashing my eardrums has taken its toll. If you listen closely, I'm pretty sure that they're saying "from the bottle of my heart." I know, Jose Feliciano says "bottom of my heart," but his accent just makes it much too vague. I hope I'm not the only person whose first exposure of the song came from Oscar The Grouch ice skating to it during the opening of "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street."

The cover by Charo (embedded above), notable for an accent thicker than IHOP Maple Syrup, definitely says "bottle of my heart." I would like to know what kind of bottle would be found in your heart. Hopefully something with enough alcoholic content to numb my senses from this playlist.

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

This song in particular was added on request from my friend Steve. This song is just too jolly for my tastes.

His biggest concern towards this song is the lyric "scary ghost stories, and tales of glory, of Christmasses long, long ago." I think it's a reference to "A Christmas Carol."

All I Want For Christmas (is My Two Front Teeth)

This song and I have a relationship that goes back a few years. Back when I was in the Cub Scouts in Elementary School, the treat that we got for Christmas was that we got to introduce Christmas songs on a local radio station (it was WXBA, which operated out of Bay Shore High School if I remember right). The only song I got to introduce awkwardly? This one.

The song is one of those cases where it's just a bad song, with even crappier covers. Do NOT get me started on the cover by Theodore from Alvin & The Chipmunks. Ugh.

So This is Christmas (The War is Over)

In my eyes, one of the only stains on John Lennon's career. Just what war is he talking about that's over? The Race War? The Cola Wars? The Falklands conflict? It couldn't be the Cold War, as that ended 9 years after he died.

The one part that take a file to my brain? The chorus where they go "The waaaaaaarrrr iiiissssss ovvverrrrrrrrrr!!" Is that the harmony of several little kids, or just Yoko Ono's voice overlapped several times?

Christmas Shoes

No. The saddest Christmas song that could ever be devised, and this is it. It's like three scientists were locked in a lab and were threatened to be gassed unless they could discover the formula for the most depressing Christmas song of all time.

There's a guy waiting in line behind a little boy buying shoes. Okay. The boy then gets sad that he doesn't have enough money to buy them for his mom. Aww, the little kid wants to get his mom a gift. But wait.

He needs to buy them because "there's not much time left." Wait, what?! Apparently, the boy's mom is dying and he wants to buy her some shoes so "she'll look good if she meets Jesus tonight." Okay, that's it, off goes the radio.

And the clerk just wants the money and doesn't give a damn that the mom is dying. That might seem mean to the rest of you, but this is actually my reaction when people don't realize that the pharmacy at my CVS closes at 6 on Saturdays and Sundays.

"But he's gonna die if he doesn't get his prescription!"
"Should've gotten here before 6, then."

As all Christmas songs go, the guy behind him finally gives in and decides to give the boy his change and the boy goes off on his merry way. Until the mom does go to meet Jesus, that is.

That's a really malicious God up there if the way he teaches the Guy to be more giving is to let this kid's mom die on Christmas Eve. I kind of like that.

Click here to see Patton Oswalt's take on the song. Speaking of which, my friend Pilver also rated this song on her Worst Christmas Songs list. Also, Click here for The Christmas Shoes entry for my other blog, In 10 Words.

Dominic The Donkey

This is truly the worst Christmas song I've ever heard. Whenever this song is played, it makes me want to grab a candy cane, whittle it into a shiv, and then drive it into my ear.

Simply put: not only is this song offensive to good taste and Christmas, it's also offensive to Italians, Donkeys, and Italian Donkeys. They are the most vulnerable group of them all.

My mom loves this for some reason. Perhaps it's because she's full-blooded Italian and the other half of my blood wants to murder every person involved with the creation of this song.

That's it for this entry. Next time I'll focus on The Ugly: The weirdest and most random of Christmas songs out there.


Anonymous said...

HAHA steve thats hilarious these songs blow however i must disagree with chrstmas shoes although sad its still a nicely written song i must admit

~Brandon aka Thriller

Amy said...

I like the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. The rest are spot on. I've been doing a great job of not listening to Christmas radio at work this year, and it's helped. I realized that half the Christmas songs on any all day no repeat station are by Amy Grant and she is a sucky Christmas singer. No feeling to it whatsoever. Stupid Amy Grant.

squee4242 said...

For a second I hoped you were being sarcastic about Happy Xmas (War is Over). I mean...I am a diehard Beatles fan and I consider it one of John Lennon's greatest works. I'm a sucker for Christmas songs, though.

By the way, there IS no "the", it's just "War is over, if you want it". Although I just found it listed with "the" on an old jukebox label, neat! It's not in the song lyrics though.

I'm only half Italian, but I love Dominic the Christmas Donkey. Christmas Shoes is the worst song ever written, though.

John said...

"Happy Christmas/War Is Over" is one of my favorite Xmas songs of all time! For years, it just wasn't Xmas for me until I heard that song on the radio...
My dad (who is 2nd generation Italian-his father came over from Naples) & I LOVE "Dominic, The Italian Christmas Donkey"!!! I admit, the incessant "Hee Haw"-ing is a wee bit annoying, but the pleasant memories of Xmases w/my father wash that all away...Maybe THAT'S why people like these songs...for the pleasant memories they evoke.
I hope U & Ur readers have a Merry Xmas & a Happy New Year!!!