The 10 Worst Kirby Abilities

Hiyo, kiddies out there! It's your old pal Kirby! You know...from the "Kirby" game series?

(chirp)

...I'm in the Smash Bros.?

(Yay.)

Now that formalities are over with, it seems that our usual blogger, Galileo, seems to be missing at the moment. I mean, come on! It's January and he only had one freaking post! And by the blog bylaws that I just made up, that puts ME in charge for one whole entry!

I know that "The Man" is not overly fond of using list entries too often, but since this is my entry to shine, I'll give it a whack. Since everyone knows my adventures, what I mostly do is find similar puffball creatures and then eat them. Sometimes, I'll be able to steal whatever special powers that they might have. Mega Man's got nuthin' on me, bitches.

For some reason that I still can't grasp, every game that ever starred me has a rather inconsistent assortment of Abilities that I can gain. Even if the Dream Land series are the only ones of my games to have true sequels to them, some of the abilities don't even cross over into the next game! Don't even ask me how "Kirby's Dream Course" fits into all this.

You, my loyal fans, know of some of the truly AWESOME powers that I'm able to wield: Sword, Cutter, Crash, Mirror, Mike, Hammer, etc. But there have been some...less than awesome abilities thrown in the mix as well. Here now, straight from the Guardian of Popstar's Mouth, are my 10 most awful abilities, labeled with their first appearances.


10) Sleep (Kirby's Dream Land)

You must be asking yourself "Kirby, you awesome little thing, you: Are you going backwards?" FUCK NO. The reason why Sleep is at the very bottom of this list is that it is an intentionally useless ability. Hell, it took them over 10 years to give me the ability to recover a little bit when I was asleep, and even then I had to wait until the end of the damn game to do it! I hate this ability because it's such a damn hindrance. I sleep for a few seconds and I'm left open for an attack. That alone should have gained the top, but the guys at HAL love to taunt me. They know it.

May I point to that one room in "Great Cave Offensive" where I have to fly between the Sleep power statues in a WINDY TUNNEL to get to a treasure box that has the goddamn Mr. Saturn?


9) Light bulb aka Spark/Bomb (Kirby 64)

Oh yes, Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards had one heck of a gimmick: I only had 7 base abilities, but I can combine two at a time to create some interesting combos. I'm quite partial to Fireworks (Bomb/Burning), Snowflake (Ice/Needle), Exploding Shurikens (Bomb/Cutter), and Fridge (Ice/Spark). The Fridge is arguably the greatest ability that I've ever had. For one thing, I TURN INTO A GODDAMN REFRIGERATOR! Two, I spit out food, which not only damaged enemies, but I was able to eat them to recover when there was no Maxim Tomato in sight.

With 49 or so possible combinations, there were bound to be a few duds. The Light bulb was one of them. It's only use was to light up dark rooms, and the purpose of THAT was to solve a few puzzles that led to about two or three Crystal Shards. Because there is a Bomb in the mix, the bulb eventually explodes, rendering the room dark again, just when I was about to find solve the damn puzzle. Sorry Ribbon, your savior is in another castle.

Of course, the Light bulb ability actually existed with a little more usage in Kirby 64's two predecessors: Kirby Dream Lands 2 and 3. They were obtainable when I joined up with Kine the Fish when I had the Spark ability. Seeing as he was only useful underwater, the light bulbs lit up the way to the exit. In those games, forget about having stars on top of every door. Nope, that was only reserved for the Exit, and the light bulb came in handy for finding the way out. In Dream Land 2, Kine was able to spit the light bulbs at enemies whenever he damn well pleased. In its sequel, the light bulb just happened to explode. But there was one main advantage that didn't carry over to Kirby 64: The jagged remains of the bulb were still in Kine's mouth, and he was able to stab enemies with it.


8) Hi-Jump (Kirby's Adventure)

Hey, I can fly for an infinite amount of time in most of my games, how about giving me an ability to just jump really quickly? Oh, and can the only way I can damage baddies is by ramming my head through them from below? Which would leave me vulnerable even before I fall? Joy!

This power first appeared on the Butter Building level in Kirby's Adventure, which also happened to be my first game where I had powers. Of course, that game had a few redundant abilities that were later combined in later ventures: Ice & Freeze, Burning/Fireball & Fire, Throw & Fighter, and Backdrop being renamed Suplex, because they pretty much did the same thing. What happened to Hi-Jump? Well, in games like Kirby's Super Star, I was able to bounce off my helper's heads and achieve the same effect. It says a bunch about an ability when it becomes downgraded into a default attack.

The only boss that this piece of crap ability was useful against? Kracko. The only downside of this ability's removal was that Kracko became "That One Boss." Cycloptic Electric Bastard. I never liked that guy. Hell, it was completely useless against Mr. Bright & Mr. Shine, since you can only damage the Mr. who was on the ground.


7) Ice Skating aka Ice/Cutter (Kirby 64)

This power reminds me of a joke by Dave Attell: "You're not gay if you watch the Ice Capades. You are if you say to someone 'SHH, I'm trying to watch the Ice Capades! Quiet!" Yeah, and this is coming from a ball of pink fluff that sucks things.

Sure I get to dash faster, but the only way to attack is if I jump. Even then, it's a terribly short ranged attack, and I'm more likely to hurt myself than any of the lame mooks in that game. Why could the Ice/Cutter combo create some kind of cooler weapon, like Ice Boomerangs, or an Ice Sword, or anything that doesn't involve awkward skating.

Let's move on before someone decides to question the sexual orientation of the already ill-defined sexes that exist within my universe.


6) Clean (Kirby's Dream Land 3)

I might be a childlike Star Warrior from beyond the stars, but I'm no immigrant. If there was a smudge to already flawed "Kirby's Dream Land 3," it would be the existence of this one f'ing power. Broom Hatter didn't deserve to get a copyable ability in my eyes. All of my abilities have a purpose, and this one was to obviously clean things. Of course, I was able to combine this ability to become slightly more useful with my six animal buddies.

They were still only used to clean dirt and the like. A feather duster isn't going to scare any Bronto Burts, I'll tell you that from experience. "Ooh, a plunger. Are you the gay Mario Brother?" Middle School was hell for me.


5) Stone Buddies aka Stone/Cutter (Kirby 64)

It's well known that Stone and Cutter are fairly good abilities, but combining them? Useless shout outs. I randomly carved myself into one of my six animal buddies from Kirby's Dream Land 3: Rick the Hamster, Coo the Owl, Kine the Fish, Nago the Cat, Pitch the Small Bird, and ChuChu the Pink Blob-Octopus-Thing.

Stone was well, Stone. Unlike the other games it appeared it, I was able to walk around in stone form, albeit very slowly while being unable to jump. The Stone Buddies ability just made it more awkward. For one thing, size mattered. If I became Pitch (the tiny bird), you were able to flutter for a few feet and then roll for a short time. But if I became Coo, then I was only able to fly a few inches off the ground. Kine was the useless one, as I could only turn left or right even if I was underwater!

Like the aforementioned Light bulb, its only purpose was to get to ONE Crystal Shard. I had to break the Stone/Cutter wall, and then wall jump to get to the shard. Only Rick could do this, and did I mention that there was a random chance that I would turn into one of the other 5 buddies?


4) Mini (Kirby & The Amazing Mirror)

Have I made it obvious that I'm not a fan of gimmicky abilities that are only useful to gain an insignificant amount of whatever collectible I need for the purpose of 100% completion? Mini is one of the worse ones of all.

Obviously, I shrink. That's it. I can't attack with it, can't call any helpers, can't even make anyone else smaller. Just shrink to the size of tiny cracks in walls to get to treasure chests. Thank Nova that this only appeared in one game.


3) Melting Ice Cube aka Ice/Burn (Kirby 64)

This was by far the worst combo in Kirby 64. With both Ice and Fire abilities being used to combo with other abilities, it was only logical that that the Ice/Fire combo would exist as well. What did we get?

STEAM! Yes, I manage to freeze myself into an ice cube, only to immediately thaw out. It had an incredibly short range, and it could only damage while I was thawing out. It was also the rarest combo in the game, with absolutely no purpose whatsoever. In fact, the only plausible area to try this ability out on was that pit with all of those helicopter blob things that exploded upon contact. Why they became Ice enemies in this game were beyond me.


2) Light (Kirby's Adventure)

Speaking of abilities that only appeared in one game, here's Light. If this sounds familiar to the Light bulb move earlier in this list, it is. It was only found in two levels in Kirby's Adventure, making it my equivalent of the Kuribo Shoe. The only thing it did? Light up a dark room to see the hidden door easier. Oh, and it's a one-time use ability as well, putting it in the same league as Crash, Paint and Cook.


1) Copy (Kirby Super Star)

Okay, what the hell was HAL smoking? I can already copy enemy abilities, thereby immediately causing its very conception to be one hell of a redundancy. It was just another damn excuse to give me a helper with my exact same power, not to mention the key to 100% completion in "Milky Way Wishes." It's found at the end of the level on a star that's in the middle of the galaxy. Fortunately for Kirby Super Star Ultra, it made the ??? level easier to spot. I found it by chance in the original game.

Like Light, it was ALSO a one-time use ability, except if I used the Copy beam on a normal enemy.

Lame, fairly useless, and redundant. The Holy Trinity of Kirby Crap.



That's it for my Contractually Obligated entry! Let's hope "The Man" gets back here soon.

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