April Excuses

You know what? I'm getting pretty tired of the last few entries being nothing but apologies for my lack of content. I have no excuse to give you nothing but excuses.

This month was almost no exception. This one was pretty eventful, and even I'm pretty pissed that I've held onto these sweet ideas until now.

First of all:

NEW CAR!!!1!!1

Previously I was driving a 2003 Corolla, a nice little hand-me-down that got me where I had to go. But two weeks ago I had to send it back to the mechanic for the latest thing that went wrong with it. Seriously, once a month for the past 7 or so months something else went wrong with this damn thing. But this time was different. I was told to get rid of it while it was still running as its days were officially numbered.

The only thing I was worried about was hoping that Old Car would make it to the dealership before crapping out, since I was pretty paranoid to drive it ever since getting that message. Well, it made the trip and it's the Toyota dealership's problem now!

Needless to say, one misleading advertisement later and I fell in love with the 2013 version of Old Car. Not only is New Ride shiny and brand new (it's currently under 500 miles. That's how new it is!!), the radio has a sweet touchscreen with a bluetooth attachment! That means I can finally listen to the 300 podcasts that I have yet to get around to that have been building up for the past two years! Not many people can fathom how exciting that is, right starving refugees? They know my style.

All in all, I get much better gas mileage than them and that makes me a happy man.

Then you have my standard excuses: My job, tiredness, my depression came back for about two weeks, actually having a life, and overall laziness. But now another addiction has a stranglehold on me:

SIMPSONS: TAPPED OUT

For a long time I held off on this game. For one thing, I didn't get a sweet sweet iPhone 5 until about a month ago, so I couldn't play it before then. You also have my distaste for Freemium games. You know, those games that are completely free to play but they charge you out the ass to do anything remotely cool. And this one is pretty damn smug about it due to it being completely self-aware that it's an addicting game that caters to Simpsons nerds like myself.

And as a Simpsons nerd like myself, I can say that the game lives up to every expectation. The game itself is centered on re-building Springfield in your own image after Homer blows it up after playing a Happy Little Elves game not unlike the game you're about to play. You buy buildings, characters and other objects to improve your town not to mention being able to mess with the towns of anyone else (provided you find their username first), and every character has several tasks and quests they can do.

This is where donuts come in. Yes, this is the infamous currency that you have to pay actual money to buy. And donuts are the most useful item in the game. Every building you get has to be built, and every character's quests occur IN REAL TIME. Using donuts speeds up the time you would spend by 99%. Characters can have quests as short as six seconds and as long as eight, twelve, and twenty-four hours, and in the case of Apu he can work a 168 hour Kwik-E-Mart shift. Using donuts completes each and every one of those missions in about ten seconds. And of course the good folks at EA wouldn't be dicks if they only gave you about 20 of these not counting any lucky bonuses, as doing anything good requires at least 12 donuts! I looked it up, it costs two bucks to buy a dozen yourself, and they actually have the gall to charge you $100 for a literal boatload of 2400 of them.

But before I descend into blind rage again, lemme tell you about the details of the game. Every single aspect of this game is a reference to something in the show. Items, characters and buildings from EVERY era of the show are here in some form, with plenty more on the way. It'd probably be easier to list the things that aren't here yet: Troy McClure & Lionel Hutz and their respective buildings (Troy's futuristic house and the I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm storefront, respectively), Patty & Selma, Handsome Pete, the Monorail, Jasper, the Crazy Cat Lady, Disco Stu, The Sea Captain, The South Street Squidport (although those last two are rumored to show up in a later update), and the giant Olmec Head.

Normal folks might not get why those omissions are heresy, but for the ones that do...I feel ya, buddy. Hell, the Lemon Tree is here! And it gives you lemons! That's incredible. Personally my favorite things in the game are getting Hank Scorpio and his volcano lair, the "Hail Ants" sign from "Deep Space Homer," and the three weird things from the ending of "Marge vs. The Monorail":

The Popsicle Stick Skyscraper and The 50 Ft Magnifying Glass

and my favorite, the Escalator to Nowhere.

The people on that escalator are the actual people that are on it in the show, that's the level of detail the game designers put into this game.

There's currently a promotion for Whacking Day (awesome!) where you have to whack snakes to get bonus items like statues, new character skins and the like. It lasts for about 9 more days and since I started on Saturday, I've since resigned to the fact that I'll never be able to get any of the really good prizes, which are buildings with exclusive characters. My only regrets right now are downloading this freaking game and not downloading it sooner.

Finally, on Sunday I stumbled upon a collectibles store in my area called "The Lands of Oohs and Oz." This place, you guys. This place.

This is just when you walk in. It's an entire case of Mego figures! It's got them all: DC, Marvel, even The Greatest American Hero is getting some love! I see a Mayor McCheese doll in there, too. And some bobbleheads. And collectible lunchboxes. And an entire case full of collectible glasses not pictured.

It's a store that's cluttered to all hell like you've stumbled onto a Gnome Trove so you have to DIG to get to anything good. And dig I went!

I never knew there even WAS an Emerald City playset, let alone finding one in its box amongst GI Joe playsets and the famous Darkseid Destroyer. Now the DC Super Powers line of figures from Kenner was before my time, but I always hear about fond memories of it, especially this thing. I'm pretty sure that this is what satisfied eight year old kids in the days before GI Joe and all of the vehicles that you shoved soldiers in.

Nostalgia for this thing goes for the triple digits in dollars, depending on the condition of the toy itself and whether you have the box, and the condition of the box itself. And it's just sitting there like it's the day after Christmas! Well, that sums up just about everything in this store, though.

Sorry for the blurriness of this picture but I was too excited to find so many figures from the 90s from dozens of obscure toy lines still in their packages. I saw a few Robocop figures, your Marvel Legends, Starting Lineups, some good old Power Rangers, various Johnny Lightning cars, and figures from The Tick. They had El Seed! I didn't even know they made a figure of El Seed!

Yes, that's a Pee-Wee's Playhouse playset you see there, sandwiched next to unopened plush likenesses of George Liquor and Jimmy The Idiot Boy of Ren & Stimpy fame! (WRITER'S UPDATE: Jimmy himself was more prominent on another show by Spumco, The Ripping Friends, but still) Just when I find one toy that I recognized, I discovered ten more that I didn't know even existed.

Apologies for the blurriness yet again, but holy crap it's a blockade runner from the beginning of Star Wars! It compliments a strange dichotomy with other Star Wars toys, as well as play sets from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Seriously, I never even heard of the Droid Factory, but apparently it goes for forty bucks. And the shelf above all of these were the truly vintage Star Wars figures.

Mork's right, I need to plan a return visit one of these days. And the best part about it is that this isn't even half of the store! These are the pictures I took when the shopkeep was distracted.

Wait, what's that Mork? You want me to buy you? But what will I do with you? What do you mean carve things into trees and vote Republican? What are you doing?!

Mork...?

MORK?!

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Milkshake? Rub some bacon on it!

A few 4/20s back, I wrote how my friend Danny and I hit up a Denny's to partake in their "Baconalia" campaign. As in, they make a crapload of things with bacon and everyone cheers because bacon makes everything better.

Well, this month Denny's FINALLY brought it back, and guess who went back for more punishment? Yeah, you're reading this now, so I guess you can assume who it was.

I started with this little appetizer, Bacon BBQ Mac & Cheese Balls. I haven't had too many opportunities to eat fried macaroni and cheese, but hell, there's bacon in it so why pass it up? If you are forced to have fried mac and cheese for any reason, I urge you to suck it up and just eat it. These were pretty good, and Denny's being Denny's, the cheese sauce you see there was not only filled with bacon, but was as think enough to get the spoon you were eating it with completely stuck in it. Tasted good, but that picture alone is terribly fattening, so let's move on.

What bothered me most was that the Three Bacon Sampler from two years ago wasn't being offered this time around (damn you Obama!!), so I had to settle with the Ultimate Bacon Breakfast. See, Denny's gets this right. This should be the appropriate amount of bacon any sort of serious eating establishment should serve you with any breakfast item, but they usually give you two measly slabs. This is what I think counts as a pile. A limited time pile, but a pile. And like the eggs and hash browns you see next to it, a pile should be the only way these kinds of foods should be served. So yeah, it was good, too. Pretty hard to screw up breakfast food, and this delivered quite well.

Before I cover the reason why I came here in the first place, I should finally illustrate my friend Danny's eating habits.

Here's the before picture. Yes, he got the same Ultimate Bacon Breakfast that I got, but that's an entire pot roast dinner next to it. And a milkshake. Not to mention eating some of those mac & cheese balls I posted earlier.

Not 10 minutes later, I think he had enough. Well, no, he just told me he's eating BBQ wings now. I need skinnier friends, guys. and without further stalling:

Behold: The Maple Bacon Milkshake. I already had the sundae, so this was the next logical step. For the squeamish, it's the same principle as an Oreo milkshake...except with bits of bacon instead of Oreos. There was vanilla ice cream and lots of maple syrup, it was essentially drinking a pancake. Hell, I thought it was pretty good and a hell of a lot better than the sundae. For one, it's not solid, save for the bigger bits of bacon at the bottom. And there was no disgusting pool of syrup, either. I give it an A+.

All in all, this experience was much more pleasant than I was expecting. The things I do for web journalism, folks. I'm gonna go lie down and have a few heart attacks now. Happy Easter, everyone!


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Beaming For Bunnies Turns 5!

Five years. My god, has it really been that long?!

It's a hell of a milestone, especially since I haven't blogged much for about two of them. Click here to visit the first ever post for a trip down memory lane! Hey, Feb. 27th was a Wednesday back then, too! Neat.

Here's the first birthday!
The second birthday!
The third one!
And the fourth one!

This is the latest in a long line of "I'll blog more, I swear!" messages, but take this with a grain of salt. But fear not, I WILL be blogging more again real soon.

But going back to those old entries, I've learned plenty this past year:

-Don't make promises you can't keep.

-Don't expect people to keep their promises.

-Having a job that pays a decent salary is awesome!

-Not having a job is not.

-Two days is not enough time to explore New York Comic-Con

-Adam West is completely awesome in person. I knew this already, but I got first-hand confirmation!

-You meet lots of interesting/weird people at places like NYCC

-I need to post my pics of NYCC

-Viral videos like the Harlem Shake have a shorter shelf life than they used to. It's been what, a month, and everyone's already sick of it?!

-I can beat my anxiety problems. One day at a time.

-The following foods are awesome: Ranch dressing, derma, brussels sprouts, edamame.

-I am human. Can't really eat as much as I used to. Maybe it's better that way.

-I need to stop spending money n Teefury.com shirts.

-As long as you blog at a constant schedule, everybody is happy!

And here, have some Five-related pictures to celebrate!

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Lost, Now Found

Man, where the hell did the last month go? It seems yesterday was Christmas, now February's tomorrow. So where have I been?

Sick, mostly. It's weird since I rarely get sick. I mostly average MAYBE one week, maybe two of "sick" a year, and I got sick during two nonconsecutive weeks in a month! Seriously nature, stop it. Why won't you let me be happy for once?! I never even got to show you guys what I got for Christmas!! (spoiler: Mostly DVDs and the new Paper Mario & Epic Mickey games)

But let's get something up here before the month's done. A long time ago, there was a cartoon called Dexter's Laboratory. It was about a young genius with an annoying sibling that does nothing but annoy him and wreck stuff.

Oh god no, not that.

That's the one. A long time ago, there was a legend that there was a lost episode of the show, titled "Dexter's Rude Removal." Lore has it that it involved Dexter and Dee-Dee removing the rude parts of their personality, which manifested into rude versions of themselves. Then they proceed to swear like sailors. For years, people wondered if such an episode actually exists. Sure, there were rumors that it was shown exactly ONCE at a con, but it's the internet and we verify things with a hardy "pics or it didn't happen."

Then a few months back, Genndy Tartakovsky, the guy who created it, was asked on Reddit about it...and said that it was indeed real. And then [adult swim] later announced that it had a copy on hand.

Well fair viewers, what I have below this sentence will amaze you. It turns out this episode is indeed real, and it's freaking hilarious. I guess I'll keep my end of the bargain, and get some points on my candidacy for King of Cartoons.

Let the cartoon....BEGIN!

Sure it's censored, but I'm one of the people that think the bleeps made it funnier. Seriously, this was all worth it just to hear Dexter say "We're gonna go fuck up your lab!"

And while we're at it, there's another "lost episode" of the show, but this one actually made it to air. It's a Monkey episode called "Barbequor."

Why was it pulled? For one, their parody of the Silver Surfer was portrayed as stereotypically gay as possible. It also doesn't help that the Infragible Krunk (their version of the Hulk) not only gets drunk ,but gets behind the wheel of a car. Good GOD.


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Better Know a Christmas: France

Bonjourrrrrr, ya cheese eating surrender monkeys! A Joyeux Noel to you all! Christmas is just a few hours away, so it's about time I brush off another edition of "Better Know A Christmas."

For those new to the blog, it's a yearly blog series where I profile how Christmas is celebrated in other countries! Today's country is France.

Like many of the other European countries I've profiled, the Christmas season usually starts out on December 6th, St. Nicholas' Day The kids there usually do the same thing as ones from the other countries: Put their shoes by the fireplace to be filled with presents by the Christ Child, or their version of Santa, Père Noël."

Besides doing other stuff like hanging nuts and fruits by that fireplace, the naughty children surrender to the French equivalent of Santa's evil helper: Père Fouettard.

Kinda looks like Zappa if you ask me.

But this is mostly in the Northern part of France. Everywhere else has Père Noël show up on Christmas Eve, while adults usually give presents to each other on New Year's Day.

There's no Christmas Tree to be found in France. Rather, this is the country of origin of the Yule Log.

Either in log form or as a cake, the French started the tradition that said log should last from Christmas to New Year's to bring good luck and warmth to the whole family. These days they mostly make do with the cake, but you can plainly see it was built for durability.

While the French eat their logs, their main Christmas centerpiece are tiny nativity scenes called Creches.

Pretty sure there were Daleks at the nativity. And Mr. Bean.

I'm not too sure, but I'd like to think this was the origin of those tiny little Christmas towns you see people buy up to make little festive cities in their own house. Like this one:

A more fancy way of saying "Empty Nest Syndrome."

What I like about the French Christmas after the two hours I spent researching this is their annual Christmas feast, called Le Réveillon.

Dibs on the kickass dessert tree.

Eaten after midnight mass (though fewer people these days actually bother to go to it), the feast varies on the region. It could contain ham, turkey stuffed with chestnuts, oysters, goose, those freaking snails, and foie gras. And yes, even cheese.

Well folks, that about wraps things up for this edition of Better Know a Christmas. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or whatever the hell you celebrate! I'll be taking a page from the French and waving my white flag with pride this year.

Until next time, don't forget to check out the other Christmases that I've Better Known:

Japan
Sweden
Great Britain
Germany
Australia
The Netherlands
Catalonia


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12/21/12: Apocalypse...Now?

???: "Ahh...Yes."

???: "The day that was foretold by the ancient Mayans has finally come to pass."

???: "And I, Nekron, the embodiment of death itself, can finally lay waste to this mortal plane! I always knew that there was too much life on this planet and not enough death, and now I can change all of that. The living no longer fear me, nor fear death."

Nekron: "With one sweep of my scythe, their minds will be changed. Scores of mortal souls would join me in the permanence of death. It's the only thing in this universe that's inevitable, so why should we prolong it?"

Nekron: "The problem is...where to start? It's been so long since I've seen this realm. "

Nekron: "Whoever lives here now seems to have redecorated. I don't like it, He'll be the first to go."

HEY!!

Nekron: "Who said that?"

Dennis: "Down here."

Nekron: "And who might you be?"

Dennis: "My name's Dennis. I'm sorta the star of this show."

Nekron: "You're quite bold to call out Death while he's trying to monologue, you know."

Dennis: "Yeah...about that."

Dennis: "You see, we kinda sorta established a villain like, a week ago. He looked cool, he killed one of our guys, mentioned a few things that'll kick-start the plot. Typical chapter one stuff."

Nekron: "But..."

Dennis: "Look, our plot's kinda muddled on its own already, and tossing you in there is just gonna mess things up. The rest of us would REALLY like it if you took your apocalypse elsewhere."

Nekron: "Come on! I waited thousands of years for this!"

Dennis: "No! Get your own storyline, man!"

Nekron: "Grr....all right, fine! I'll let you have your cute little story with the lollipops and the Santas or whatever the hell you people do around this time of the year."

Nekron: "Can I at least tell you how you're going to die? You'll be pleasantly surprised!"

Dennis: "Get out!"

Nekron: "This place is boring me anyway. I'll be back eventually, maybe in a year. And I hope you get some new carpeting by then!"

Dennis: "...The nerve of some people..."

TO BE CONTINUED!

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